Falling In Love...with a short, bald man!

I never really actually knew a baby before. I mean, sure I had my cousins to hold and kiss and talk to, but its not the same as your own baby. Its different when its the child you carried and loved and nurtured for ten months. (Nine months is just a myth!) Theres something intoxicating about Lucas...his beautiful, flawless pale skin. Its so creamy in color that you can see the veins in his temple sometimes. And his eyes are just as blue as that beautiful water at the Pensione Teresa. Theres the black pupil and then it explodes into this crystal blue and ends with a darker blue. He has his daddy's eyes. And hes starting to develop his personality more. Hes slowly headed towards his own Lucashood instead of remaining the baby I gave birth to.

Sometimes, I just lay him on the bed on his back and I lay next to him, admiring the way his hands move, the way he stretches his feet out on the wellington comforter, almost in ecstatic joy that it feels so nice against his feet. I fall deeper in love with him when he smiles and coos and shakes his fist as if to say " You go Mama! Thanks for giving me life!" Or I rub his head which is so soft. Jeremy talks to him and calls him "my little Wuke." Its so cute. We both are just amazed at him and all of his glory. Surely, this is the best that life can get. Sometimes, I am so happy I could almost explode with the joy.

This isnt the first time I have fallen in love with a blue eyed man. Only, it took me a little longer with Jeremy. I had always been friends with him. But it wasnt until one night at a high school dance that he went to with me on a dare that I think it hit me that maybe he meant more to me. One of our friends had shoved me into him and shouted that he should dance with me because thats what he wanted anyways. And she literally slammed me into him and before I knew what was happening. So, if he hadnt grabbed ahold of me, I would have fallen. I was dancing with someone else. Next thing I know, I am in Jeremys arms. And we just looked at eachother. And I think then I had an inkling that he had feelings for me. But I ignored them. Looking back, I realize that I did like him, and I danced and flirted and went out with other guys just to make him jealous. I think it was a subconcious thing, actually. I dont remember saying to myself, "If I go to the movies with you, or let you walk me to class, Jeremy will get jealous and notice me." Many afternoons did I wish he would just confess. But he didnt. Not until he moved away and then we talked on the phone by pure chance that I just told him if he liked me, he needed to just say it. I was pretty damn tired of playing games with guys who didnt like the rules I created. And he admitted it. And we have been together ever since.

But it took just minutes for me to fall in love with Lucas. And it started as an infatuation with him when I saw the most perfect profile shot of him. When I was in labor, I was excited with the anticipation of getting to meet him. And when they pulled him out of me and layed him on my chest, and he looked at me, I couldnt contain the instantaneous feeling of love when I looked into his open eyes. That did it for me. He was a beautiful color. His skin was pink and warm, and his head was shaped perfect (he wasnt in the birth canal long enough to mishape his head...only 7 minutes!) and he had all of his fingers and toes. And when they took him and placed him in the warmer and Jeremy told him he was going to be a little heartbreaker, I was a goner.

So, now, as he embarks on becoming 3 months old, we communicate in ways that are hard to explain to other people. I talk and he makes faces at me. A smile says he agrees, and an angry face says I have gone too far and overstepped my bounds on his own opinion of things. I lay him on a blanket and ask him if hes good, and he coos "I good." Yes, yes, little feller, you are good! But I am still worried about things...he doesnt grasp toys everytime. I say something to Jeremy, like " Look, honey, right here, it says right here that he should be grasping toys to put in his mouth." I dangle the keys and wait for him to grasp and he never does. Jeremy says that I should be patient, that Lucas is on his own timetable, and the book is just a timeline. No, no, NO! Theres something wrong, I panic. But then he grabs the toy and everything is okay. Then, this morning, while driving him to Nany's, I saw a mailbox bashed in, and I started to wonder, what if Lucas meets kids that talk him into doing such terrible things? How would I handle that? Beat him until he is sufficiently respectful? Beat all of his friends? And I start to think to myself, hes so much safer inside the womb, at this age, right now. Where I am responsible for what he does and doesnt do. And every other worry that has dissipated is replaced with 3 new worries. Does it ever get better?
I guess, all I can do is wait...and hope that he understands everything I want him to.