Mama Meltdown!

So, its been a difficult week in the world of mama-hood. I think Lucas must be going through some kind of growth spurt (he is almost 3 months!), either that, or hes trying to kill me. Because hes been super duper, absolutely grumpy and whiny, and just plain miserable. Which isn't like my son. We are talking about a boy who was born without crying...a few whimpers and that was it. I had a failsafe method of putting him to sleep, and it worked everytime. I would sit down on the couch, lean against the pillows and nurse him. Then I would just watch and wait as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he sucked himself into pure oblivion. Then, with exquisite slowness, I would remove my nipple from his tiny, perfect lips, ease it back into the nursing bra, and cradle his head, and with the silent precision of a ninja, I would carry him to his bassinet, where he would sleep through the night. Its almost like that game operation...well, guess what?? I sucked at that game, and I suck at this game too! No sooner do I lay him down and begin to sneak away, Secret Agent Lucas senses my move of abandonedment with his super Spidey sense and turns on the screams. Damnit. Now, its going to be at least another 15 minutes of pure dedicated sucking to even get him to the point where he'll be back to sleep. His face is so cute and so tender and my back hurts so bad!

After a few days of this, I am understandably a little on edge. Which is why I had the meltdown. Lucas is crying for no apparent reason that I can figure out, I am left to get the dog in the kennel, get the diaper bag, get the bag of bottles, bottle warmer and formula just in case the breast milk isnt enough, my lunch bag, my bag with my breast pump paraphenalia, and my purse, and somewhere, I have to find a hand to carry Lucas in his seat and lock the door, so that I can get the hell out of the damned house and get to work, all while operating on 4 hours of sleep. So, when I tripped over the diaper bag strap, that was it for me. I threw my shoe, and ended up yelling something like..." I have got to get to work, and all of you animals arent helping, and Lucas, all you want to do is cry and cry and cry and freaking cry, and I am so tired, and where the hell is your father???!!!!" And Lucas stopped crying, the dog and cats slunk out of the room, and I sat down, wondering if I look like a crazy mother. I love Lucas, and I will never, ever, hurt him, but there days when he drives me so crazy with the lack of sleep and endless crying, that I can't soothe with breasts or hugs, that in my secret heart I want to lay him down in his jumper chair and run far, far away. And then 20 minutes later he's looking at me with his gurgliest darling baby smile, and I hate myself for not being grateful for him every second.
But no one said being a parent was easy. I know it, you know it. It's just that the joy and agony and worry are all mixed up in this crazy way I can't even make sense of. I feel like my heart is outside of my body. It's almost unbearable. Does it ever get better? Will I spend the rest of my life wishing he were still in the womb, where I can take care of him and I am responsible for his well being? Who knew I could be so in love with another man that wasnt my husband...