Okay, so yesterdays post was a little bitchy and a lot whiny...but I guess I have an excuse...I am a new mother and I was frustrated...and I meant every word that I typed. So, I decided that I would try to follow up with a positive post.
Lucas is getting better with nursing. I only supplement him with formula when I absolutely have to. However, because the breastfeeding is coming along so much better, and we have the latch down to a science, my nipples feel like they have hot pokers shooting through them. This is a new development since last night, so I may call the lactation consultant tomorrow and see if thats a normal sensation or something I should be concerned about. Its great having an awesome insurance policy...they pay the lactation consultant as long as my consultations fall within the first 8 weeks after birth. After that, I have to pay something. But, when I am sitting there, in the dark all alone, nursing him, it gives me ample enough time to think. And I have found myself thinking of all of the things that I want to teach him. I want him to learn to walk with others as an equal, to treat the ones that love him and care about him with respect, and try not to let others have a negative effect on him. Because other people who lay their problems and issues down on you can make you overweight with worry, and I dont want that for him. I can't wait until I can teach him how to read, and how to write, and how to walk. Its all something that I am looking forward to.
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant again, with another boy...maybe thats a premonition that I will be having another baby eventually in my life (at least 2 years down the road) and it will be a little boy. So much for a little girl, but I could be surprised. I had a dream about Lucas 2 years before I had him. And it was almost right on. I had that baby in May, I had Lucas in May, and he looks just like that baby did in my dream. So, I am trusting my dreaming mind. Lucas will obviously have a little brother at some point.
I am a little worried about my brother-in-law. It seems he and his wife have entered into a "legal separation". And I know how much he loves her, and I could see how much he was hurting, and its sad, because I can't help him. Sure, I could send her an email and let her know that I am here for her, but would she believe me? Would she open it? Or would she just delete it, and move on? I am not sure I want to interfere, either. I dont my brother mad at me, but I dont like being so powerless when someone in the family is hurting, and I am sure shes hurting too. I couldnt imagine leaving Jeremy. Its hurts to see those 2 apart, I dont think I could do it myself even if I wanted to. Jeremy and I have had our share of problems, but we always seem to triumph over them and come out together and stronger. But I did talk to him yesterday, and he seemed to be as okay as he can be, so I am a little comforted in the fact that he wont do something stupid or crazy. I need Lucas to have both uncles around for a long time...
Well, I guess I better run....I have some things to take care of. Until next time, my fellow bloggers...
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Memorial Day weekend
Its memorial day weekend, and everyone is having cook outs and sharing drinks and stories and laughs, and what am I?? Nothing but a boob. Thats all I am. I nurse, nurse, nurse, pump, nurse and pump. And then, when I am not doing that, I am cleaning up whatever mess the cats have made because their adjustment to Lucas is to become violent with eachother. I haven't even cleaned, really cleaned since Lucas was born. And I am sick, sick, sick, sick, sick of their shit. And when I am not sick of them, I am tired. So, I guess I am just sick and tired. Anyways...I can't even have a drink...why?? Because I am a boob. We certainly can't have a drunk baby. So, my memorial day will be spent cleaning up my house and fixing the bathroom that Muff destroyed while on lockdown.
Even Bjourne feels the need to push my buttons. And Jeremy...dont even get me started on his attitude. I have been a good wife, taking care of the baby all night by myself so he can sleep, and do I get any appreciation??? No. None. I feel like these last few weeks have been nothing but a struggle. AFLAC hasnt come through like they should, because they tick around and process the paperwork forever, so I am back to where I was before I ever got married and moved out...broke, and trying to make ends meet. If it wasnt for Mama and Daddy and Jeremy's parents, I dont know what we would do. And Jeremy isnt happy because I cant cook at home...well, I am pretty sick of oodles of noodles, and I have nothing of nutrition value to fix. No meats until I get some money. I guess thats stressing me out...and then Jeremy tells me not to worry but thats easier said than done. So I will be going back to work before I am supposed to for the paycheck. I will miss Lucas like crazy, but thats what I'll have to sacrifice to help provide for us.
The good news is, Geralds coming home. I am so happy about that. At least he will be with family to take care of him.
All I have to say, is that I am a good thing, and Jeremy make sure he knows it. I did good through labor, I did good for being pregnant. But I am getting tired of being good!
Even Bjourne feels the need to push my buttons. And Jeremy...dont even get me started on his attitude. I have been a good wife, taking care of the baby all night by myself so he can sleep, and do I get any appreciation??? No. None. I feel like these last few weeks have been nothing but a struggle. AFLAC hasnt come through like they should, because they tick around and process the paperwork forever, so I am back to where I was before I ever got married and moved out...broke, and trying to make ends meet. If it wasnt for Mama and Daddy and Jeremy's parents, I dont know what we would do. And Jeremy isnt happy because I cant cook at home...well, I am pretty sick of oodles of noodles, and I have nothing of nutrition value to fix. No meats until I get some money. I guess thats stressing me out...and then Jeremy tells me not to worry but thats easier said than done. So I will be going back to work before I am supposed to for the paycheck. I will miss Lucas like crazy, but thats what I'll have to sacrifice to help provide for us.
The good news is, Geralds coming home. I am so happy about that. At least he will be with family to take care of him.
All I have to say, is that I am a good thing, and Jeremy make sure he knows it. I did good through labor, I did good for being pregnant. But I am getting tired of being good!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Lucas' first pictures
Here is Lucas in his car seat, sleeping, pondering, maybe hes thinking of ways to destroy the camera...who knows?
Here he is still sleeping....like an angel....
Still sleeping...too bad he didnt do this last night...I would have been much happier!
I will post again when he isnt crying and Daddy isnt questioning where the boob went. The pervert. All I am to both of them right now is a boob!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Its been a hell of a week!
Yep, its been one hell of a week! Its had its blessings and sorrows. Lets start with the good side of it: Lucas Riley Boothe was born on Saturday, May 6th, 2006 at 7:31 pm. He weighed 7lbs 11oz and he was 20 inches long. But before we get into that story, lets talk about the events leading up to my labor:
Thursday night was what started it. Jeremy and I had invited my parents over for dinner on Friday and we had decided to make homemade meatball subs. Well, this meant we had to go to the store and get the ingredients. So, a little after 8 we headed to Wal-Mart, bought what we needed and headed home. As we were driving home, this white van flew up on my bumper. Now, we are on a highway in the country headed further up north, so the road is pretty desolate. There was one truck a little ways ahead of us. Here comes this jerk again, flying up my bumper, swings in the left lane in front of me, almost takes the front of my truck off and speeds down the road. I saw him get real close to the blue truck and it looked like he was running him off of the road. The white van does it again, and then all of a sudden, he whips his van across my lane and tries to make what looks like a pretty retarded u-turn and ends up hitting the embankment of the median flies up in the air, flips, slams the ground, flies up in the air again, and proceeds to flip at least five times. I slammed on the brakes, because I had seen nothing like that in my whole entire life, and between the dirt and grass and car parts, I couldnt see to drive. jeremy jumps out of the truck and I am begging him to just wait a minute and make sure it wont blow up. Not my hero husband. He races over there. I jumped, yes jumped, out of the truck, 9 months pregnant feeling like I was wrapped up in some other dimension. It was like chaos. It turned out the fello in the white van had hit the guy in the blue truck twice, hit him once and then swerved to do it again. The guy n the white van was thrown 20 feet from where his van landed. Jeremy found him. They flew him via nightingale to Norfolk. So, that was stressful.
Then Friday, I went into the office to have lunch and went running errands, so it was 8 before we sat down to eat dinner. After dinner I felt gross, just weird. I was increasingly feeling nauseous and I kept telling Jeremy I did not feel well. We went to bed around midnight. At 2 I woke up feeling like I had peed in the bed, and it kept gushing. I got up and went into the bathroom where I inspected my pajamas. I called Jeremy in there, and we both decided to call the doctor to see if it could be my water breaking. No sooner did I lay back down with a towel, and it starts gushing everywhere. So, its time for the hospital. Jeremy starts getting my things ready, throwing clothes in a bag, fussing at me to hurry up, and he was ready to go. By 2:30 we were headed to the hospital, by this time, my contractions had started. We walked into the hospital a little after three and I went to the ER like I was instructed to do. And the woman at the check in desk was having a conversation with some woman, so I inched a little closer to the desk. Jeremy was there and so was my brother in law, Larry. And the woman real snotty says: "I will be right with you." And I just calmly responded: " Thats okay, princess, my water broke, and I am perfectly content with letting it leak all over your floor." And at that point, they were in a panic. They had jeremy get me in a wheel chair, and this really nice young black gentleman escorted me to labor and delivery, begging me not to have my baby in his wheel chair. He was very helpful, and made me laugh. I should send him flowers. He was really sweet. At this point, they weigh me, get my height, and put me in a labor and delivery room. It turns out that I was right, there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. Which meant that in order for Lucas to avoid getting an infection in his lungs that they needed to deep suction him before he took his first breath, which was basically intebating him while his body was still in the birth canal.They then hooked me up to the pitocin around 7 in the morning, I think and I went through the contractions without any pain relief until around noon when the nurse gave me some staydol in my IV. That stuff was great! It felt like I had had quite a few drinks! At first, the room was spinning then I started laughing at everything, and then I passed out. Apparently, my blood pressure was dropping to like 80 over 40 and worried Jeremy and his mom. Then the hard contractions started coming around 3:00. I had to have an epidural. Which was the best thing I could have gotten. I recommend it. All of these women who choose not to are insane. Why go through that kind of pain without relief? I wanted to cry and it was just starting because I was only 6 centimeters. After the epidural I went to sleep, and the nurse came in and hooked me up to oxygen because my blood pressure was dropping too low. So, I really slept then. I slept until about 7:00 when I started feeling the urge to push. At that point, the nurses came in and jumped into action. I felt like I was going to throw up and the nurse assured me it was normal because he was putting pressure on my stomach. It did pass about 3 minutes later. They had converted my bed and had my feet in stirrups, and Carla and jeremy grabbed my legs and I pushed with the contraction. At that point, it became apparent that the epidural quit working on the right side of my body. I could feel every thing on that side and nothing on the left. And it hurt like hell on the right side. It felt like my pelvic bone was being shoved through my body and he had a foot in my left rib cage. I was starting to get discouraged with each push because I didnt feel like I was making progress, but I was. At 7:31, Lucas was born. I had to hold his body in the birth canal long enough for him to be intebated, and sunctioned, and I ended up with a second degree laceration that tore unevenly, so that left a mark. And my Mom was there and Jeremys Mom was there, and I was crying when I saw my son in the warmer because it was the most awesome thing, and now I am caught up in this awesome love affair with a little 7lb man. After they stitched me (ouch) I had to have the epidural removed, which they did immediately, and I had to lay there about an hour for the effects to where off. I had had a catheter before the delivery, so I had to try and pee before they moved me to decided if I needed another, I didnt. And then the pediatrician came in and told me that Lucas had a skin tag next to his left ear, which could indicate that he had hearing loss in his ear. That worried me. He had a higher temperature when he was born, that worried me. Then they gave me percocet, and nothing worried me.
They moved me to a more comfortable room, and told me Lucas would be there soon. Around 1 am I woke up and my son wasnt there, so I panicked...it turned out, they couldnt get his temperature back up after his bath. I didnt get him until 3 am and by then, I was so drugged I only got to hold him for a minute and they took him back. After that, I only accepted motrin for the pain.
Sunday morning, I hurt like hell, but I felt great, I had my son, and my husband. Little did I know that that wouldnt last. Around 3 in the afternoon, my parents were on their way when I went to use the bathroom. Jeremy came in and had this look on his face. And I knew something was wrong. I asked him. He said he wanted me to lay down first. I asked him again to tell me that I wasnt laying anywhere until he told me. All he said was Bailey is dead. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. But my son was in our room and I couldnt get too upset because he would too. So, I tried to bottle it up, but once my sister had left and I looked at Jeremy, I realized that he was crying and once my parents got there, he went home. He said Bailey was curled up next to his dog house, like he had gone to sleep. And since then I have had to block out thoughts of him or I will lose my head. I remember seeing him on the way to the hospital, and I didnt go pet him or anything. Jeremy and I just fought so hard for him to live. He came into our lives when I found out I was pregnant and he left our lives after I gave birth to Lucas. It was almost like his work was done. I still havent been out to see where hes buried. I cant face that right now. Jeremy brought his tags in, but he still hasnt dealt with the dog house yet. Hes not ready. We cried together 2 nights this week over him. And it still hurts. So, I have new Mom's emotions, grief over Bailey, worry over my uncle Gerald...and I wonder why I cried last night for 2 hours straight.
I have been through so many life altering events in such a short amount of time, that I feel overwhelmed. I just need to stay home until I am calmer. And I will deal with Bailey's death as soon as I can.
But Jeremy and I have Lucas. And thats what matters. I will hopefully post pictures soon!
Thursday night was what started it. Jeremy and I had invited my parents over for dinner on Friday and we had decided to make homemade meatball subs. Well, this meant we had to go to the store and get the ingredients. So, a little after 8 we headed to Wal-Mart, bought what we needed and headed home. As we were driving home, this white van flew up on my bumper. Now, we are on a highway in the country headed further up north, so the road is pretty desolate. There was one truck a little ways ahead of us. Here comes this jerk again, flying up my bumper, swings in the left lane in front of me, almost takes the front of my truck off and speeds down the road. I saw him get real close to the blue truck and it looked like he was running him off of the road. The white van does it again, and then all of a sudden, he whips his van across my lane and tries to make what looks like a pretty retarded u-turn and ends up hitting the embankment of the median flies up in the air, flips, slams the ground, flies up in the air again, and proceeds to flip at least five times. I slammed on the brakes, because I had seen nothing like that in my whole entire life, and between the dirt and grass and car parts, I couldnt see to drive. jeremy jumps out of the truck and I am begging him to just wait a minute and make sure it wont blow up. Not my hero husband. He races over there. I jumped, yes jumped, out of the truck, 9 months pregnant feeling like I was wrapped up in some other dimension. It was like chaos. It turned out the fello in the white van had hit the guy in the blue truck twice, hit him once and then swerved to do it again. The guy n the white van was thrown 20 feet from where his van landed. Jeremy found him. They flew him via nightingale to Norfolk. So, that was stressful.
Then Friday, I went into the office to have lunch and went running errands, so it was 8 before we sat down to eat dinner. After dinner I felt gross, just weird. I was increasingly feeling nauseous and I kept telling Jeremy I did not feel well. We went to bed around midnight. At 2 I woke up feeling like I had peed in the bed, and it kept gushing. I got up and went into the bathroom where I inspected my pajamas. I called Jeremy in there, and we both decided to call the doctor to see if it could be my water breaking. No sooner did I lay back down with a towel, and it starts gushing everywhere. So, its time for the hospital. Jeremy starts getting my things ready, throwing clothes in a bag, fussing at me to hurry up, and he was ready to go. By 2:30 we were headed to the hospital, by this time, my contractions had started. We walked into the hospital a little after three and I went to the ER like I was instructed to do. And the woman at the check in desk was having a conversation with some woman, so I inched a little closer to the desk. Jeremy was there and so was my brother in law, Larry. And the woman real snotty says: "I will be right with you." And I just calmly responded: " Thats okay, princess, my water broke, and I am perfectly content with letting it leak all over your floor." And at that point, they were in a panic. They had jeremy get me in a wheel chair, and this really nice young black gentleman escorted me to labor and delivery, begging me not to have my baby in his wheel chair. He was very helpful, and made me laugh. I should send him flowers. He was really sweet. At this point, they weigh me, get my height, and put me in a labor and delivery room. It turns out that I was right, there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. Which meant that in order for Lucas to avoid getting an infection in his lungs that they needed to deep suction him before he took his first breath, which was basically intebating him while his body was still in the birth canal.They then hooked me up to the pitocin around 7 in the morning, I think and I went through the contractions without any pain relief until around noon when the nurse gave me some staydol in my IV. That stuff was great! It felt like I had had quite a few drinks! At first, the room was spinning then I started laughing at everything, and then I passed out. Apparently, my blood pressure was dropping to like 80 over 40 and worried Jeremy and his mom. Then the hard contractions started coming around 3:00. I had to have an epidural. Which was the best thing I could have gotten. I recommend it. All of these women who choose not to are insane. Why go through that kind of pain without relief? I wanted to cry and it was just starting because I was only 6 centimeters. After the epidural I went to sleep, and the nurse came in and hooked me up to oxygen because my blood pressure was dropping too low. So, I really slept then. I slept until about 7:00 when I started feeling the urge to push. At that point, the nurses came in and jumped into action. I felt like I was going to throw up and the nurse assured me it was normal because he was putting pressure on my stomach. It did pass about 3 minutes later. They had converted my bed and had my feet in stirrups, and Carla and jeremy grabbed my legs and I pushed with the contraction. At that point, it became apparent that the epidural quit working on the right side of my body. I could feel every thing on that side and nothing on the left. And it hurt like hell on the right side. It felt like my pelvic bone was being shoved through my body and he had a foot in my left rib cage. I was starting to get discouraged with each push because I didnt feel like I was making progress, but I was. At 7:31, Lucas was born. I had to hold his body in the birth canal long enough for him to be intebated, and sunctioned, and I ended up with a second degree laceration that tore unevenly, so that left a mark. And my Mom was there and Jeremys Mom was there, and I was crying when I saw my son in the warmer because it was the most awesome thing, and now I am caught up in this awesome love affair with a little 7lb man. After they stitched me (ouch) I had to have the epidural removed, which they did immediately, and I had to lay there about an hour for the effects to where off. I had had a catheter before the delivery, so I had to try and pee before they moved me to decided if I needed another, I didnt. And then the pediatrician came in and told me that Lucas had a skin tag next to his left ear, which could indicate that he had hearing loss in his ear. That worried me. He had a higher temperature when he was born, that worried me. Then they gave me percocet, and nothing worried me.
They moved me to a more comfortable room, and told me Lucas would be there soon. Around 1 am I woke up and my son wasnt there, so I panicked...it turned out, they couldnt get his temperature back up after his bath. I didnt get him until 3 am and by then, I was so drugged I only got to hold him for a minute and they took him back. After that, I only accepted motrin for the pain.
Sunday morning, I hurt like hell, but I felt great, I had my son, and my husband. Little did I know that that wouldnt last. Around 3 in the afternoon, my parents were on their way when I went to use the bathroom. Jeremy came in and had this look on his face. And I knew something was wrong. I asked him. He said he wanted me to lay down first. I asked him again to tell me that I wasnt laying anywhere until he told me. All he said was Bailey is dead. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. But my son was in our room and I couldnt get too upset because he would too. So, I tried to bottle it up, but once my sister had left and I looked at Jeremy, I realized that he was crying and once my parents got there, he went home. He said Bailey was curled up next to his dog house, like he had gone to sleep. And since then I have had to block out thoughts of him or I will lose my head. I remember seeing him on the way to the hospital, and I didnt go pet him or anything. Jeremy and I just fought so hard for him to live. He came into our lives when I found out I was pregnant and he left our lives after I gave birth to Lucas. It was almost like his work was done. I still havent been out to see where hes buried. I cant face that right now. Jeremy brought his tags in, but he still hasnt dealt with the dog house yet. Hes not ready. We cried together 2 nights this week over him. And it still hurts. So, I have new Mom's emotions, grief over Bailey, worry over my uncle Gerald...and I wonder why I cried last night for 2 hours straight.
I have been through so many life altering events in such a short amount of time, that I feel overwhelmed. I just need to stay home until I am calmer. And I will deal with Bailey's death as soon as I can.
But Jeremy and I have Lucas. And thats what matters. I will hopefully post pictures soon!
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