Falling In Love...with a short, bald man!

I never really actually knew a baby before. I mean, sure I had my cousins to hold and kiss and talk to, but its not the same as your own baby. Its different when its the child you carried and loved and nurtured for ten months. (Nine months is just a myth!) Theres something intoxicating about Lucas...his beautiful, flawless pale skin. Its so creamy in color that you can see the veins in his temple sometimes. And his eyes are just as blue as that beautiful water at the Pensione Teresa. Theres the black pupil and then it explodes into this crystal blue and ends with a darker blue. He has his daddy's eyes. And hes starting to develop his personality more. Hes slowly headed towards his own Lucashood instead of remaining the baby I gave birth to.

Sometimes, I just lay him on the bed on his back and I lay next to him, admiring the way his hands move, the way he stretches his feet out on the wellington comforter, almost in ecstatic joy that it feels so nice against his feet. I fall deeper in love with him when he smiles and coos and shakes his fist as if to say " You go Mama! Thanks for giving me life!" Or I rub his head which is so soft. Jeremy talks to him and calls him "my little Wuke." Its so cute. We both are just amazed at him and all of his glory. Surely, this is the best that life can get. Sometimes, I am so happy I could almost explode with the joy.

This isnt the first time I have fallen in love with a blue eyed man. Only, it took me a little longer with Jeremy. I had always been friends with him. But it wasnt until one night at a high school dance that he went to with me on a dare that I think it hit me that maybe he meant more to me. One of our friends had shoved me into him and shouted that he should dance with me because thats what he wanted anyways. And she literally slammed me into him and before I knew what was happening. So, if he hadnt grabbed ahold of me, I would have fallen. I was dancing with someone else. Next thing I know, I am in Jeremys arms. And we just looked at eachother. And I think then I had an inkling that he had feelings for me. But I ignored them. Looking back, I realize that I did like him, and I danced and flirted and went out with other guys just to make him jealous. I think it was a subconcious thing, actually. I dont remember saying to myself, "If I go to the movies with you, or let you walk me to class, Jeremy will get jealous and notice me." Many afternoons did I wish he would just confess. But he didnt. Not until he moved away and then we talked on the phone by pure chance that I just told him if he liked me, he needed to just say it. I was pretty damn tired of playing games with guys who didnt like the rules I created. And he admitted it. And we have been together ever since.

But it took just minutes for me to fall in love with Lucas. And it started as an infatuation with him when I saw the most perfect profile shot of him. When I was in labor, I was excited with the anticipation of getting to meet him. And when they pulled him out of me and layed him on my chest, and he looked at me, I couldnt contain the instantaneous feeling of love when I looked into his open eyes. That did it for me. He was a beautiful color. His skin was pink and warm, and his head was shaped perfect (he wasnt in the birth canal long enough to mishape his head...only 7 minutes!) and he had all of his fingers and toes. And when they took him and placed him in the warmer and Jeremy told him he was going to be a little heartbreaker, I was a goner.

So, now, as he embarks on becoming 3 months old, we communicate in ways that are hard to explain to other people. I talk and he makes faces at me. A smile says he agrees, and an angry face says I have gone too far and overstepped my bounds on his own opinion of things. I lay him on a blanket and ask him if hes good, and he coos "I good." Yes, yes, little feller, you are good! But I am still worried about things...he doesnt grasp toys everytime. I say something to Jeremy, like " Look, honey, right here, it says right here that he should be grasping toys to put in his mouth." I dangle the keys and wait for him to grasp and he never does. Jeremy says that I should be patient, that Lucas is on his own timetable, and the book is just a timeline. No, no, NO! Theres something wrong, I panic. But then he grabs the toy and everything is okay. Then, this morning, while driving him to Nany's, I saw a mailbox bashed in, and I started to wonder, what if Lucas meets kids that talk him into doing such terrible things? How would I handle that? Beat him until he is sufficiently respectful? Beat all of his friends? And I start to think to myself, hes so much safer inside the womb, at this age, right now. Where I am responsible for what he does and doesnt do. And every other worry that has dissipated is replaced with 3 new worries. Does it ever get better?
I guess, all I can do is wait...and hope that he understands everything I want him to.

Mama Meltdown!

So, its been a difficult week in the world of mama-hood. I think Lucas must be going through some kind of growth spurt (he is almost 3 months!), either that, or hes trying to kill me. Because hes been super duper, absolutely grumpy and whiny, and just plain miserable. Which isn't like my son. We are talking about a boy who was born without crying...a few whimpers and that was it. I had a failsafe method of putting him to sleep, and it worked everytime. I would sit down on the couch, lean against the pillows and nurse him. Then I would just watch and wait as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he sucked himself into pure oblivion. Then, with exquisite slowness, I would remove my nipple from his tiny, perfect lips, ease it back into the nursing bra, and cradle his head, and with the silent precision of a ninja, I would carry him to his bassinet, where he would sleep through the night. Its almost like that game operation...well, guess what?? I sucked at that game, and I suck at this game too! No sooner do I lay him down and begin to sneak away, Secret Agent Lucas senses my move of abandonedment with his super Spidey sense and turns on the screams. Damnit. Now, its going to be at least another 15 minutes of pure dedicated sucking to even get him to the point where he'll be back to sleep. His face is so cute and so tender and my back hurts so bad!

After a few days of this, I am understandably a little on edge. Which is why I had the meltdown. Lucas is crying for no apparent reason that I can figure out, I am left to get the dog in the kennel, get the diaper bag, get the bag of bottles, bottle warmer and formula just in case the breast milk isnt enough, my lunch bag, my bag with my breast pump paraphenalia, and my purse, and somewhere, I have to find a hand to carry Lucas in his seat and lock the door, so that I can get the hell out of the damned house and get to work, all while operating on 4 hours of sleep. So, when I tripped over the diaper bag strap, that was it for me. I threw my shoe, and ended up yelling something like..." I have got to get to work, and all of you animals arent helping, and Lucas, all you want to do is cry and cry and cry and freaking cry, and I am so tired, and where the hell is your father???!!!!" And Lucas stopped crying, the dog and cats slunk out of the room, and I sat down, wondering if I look like a crazy mother. I love Lucas, and I will never, ever, hurt him, but there days when he drives me so crazy with the lack of sleep and endless crying, that I can't soothe with breasts or hugs, that in my secret heart I want to lay him down in his jumper chair and run far, far away. And then 20 minutes later he's looking at me with his gurgliest darling baby smile, and I hate myself for not being grateful for him every second.
But no one said being a parent was easy. I know it, you know it. It's just that the joy and agony and worry are all mixed up in this crazy way I can't even make sense of. I feel like my heart is outside of my body. It's almost unbearable. Does it ever get better? Will I spend the rest of my life wishing he were still in the womb, where I can take care of him and I am responsible for his well being? Who knew I could be so in love with another man that wasnt my husband...

Monday...

I thought about breaking into song, but thought better of it!

I went this weekend and got pictures of Lucas taken. I will post the link on here as soon as I can. He did so good, and looked so cute. It feels so nice to have such a good son. I guess I should say blessed as opposed to nice. I really am blessed to have a healthy, beautiful son. And who knew I could love someone so much. It really does take your breath away to realize that you carried and gave life to such a sweet angel. And it breaks my heart that some people can abuse children.

I do think that I had a lot of ideals when I was pregnant. I was a little disgruntled when jeremy didnt seem too interested in my pregnancy. And he went to every doctors appointment with me. I guess I expected him to be interested in feeling Lucas kick and things like that. I think there are just romantic illusions. But, one morning after I had Lucas and we were home, I woke up early and Jeremy had Lucas in the bed with us. And we were all three tucked into bed in the shadows and it was the most peaceful feeling I had had in such a long time. It was like the first time I slept with Jeremy. I know it seems like I am romanticizing this, but I am not.

Things are better between me and Jeremy. We seem to be back to our usual joking selves. I am a little worried about his health. He got sick last night and then was fine. I am just really worried. He acts like its no big deal, but it scares me. I think he should get it checked out. But hes so stubborn and hardheaded it isnt even funny.

Gosh, I wish it were 5 o'clock. I am so hungry I feel like I could eat the south end of a north bound jackass!

Well, I have to invoice so that I can pump...

Someone had a bad day!

I hate it when Jeremy has a bad day and all I can do is laugh about it!

Yesterday was just a rough day all around. Lucas had to get his first set of 5 baby shots yesterday. I put the LMX4 medicine on his thighs so that they would be numb, and covered them with the tegaderm bandages, but he still felt one of the shots, and it broke my heart when he started crying. Even now, my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. But hes 11lbs, 1oz, 22½" long and his head is 39¼ cm in circumference. Hes healthy as he should be. I gave him tylenol before the shots and afterward, so hopefully, he didnt feel too much discomfort. Some people would say I am spoiling him or making him a sissy. But I dont see it that way. No one should have to feel pain that isn't necessary, kids especially. And this way, he wont have a fear of the doctor when he gets older. And right now, all I can do is love him. You cant spoil a 2 month old baby. All you can do is love them.

Now, on to Jeremy's saga...He is so silly! He had a trailer tire blow up in his face yesterday. So, about 70 pounds of pressure and tire pieces were in his skin. He has road burn on his neck, and his face is swollen. Last night, Mama, Daddy, Jenn and Charlie came over and we made enchiladas for dinner. Well, Jeremy and Charlie were in our bedroom watching something on the tv back there because I was watching Madagascar. Jeremy must have been rushing out of our room, and he stubbed his toe. So, hes hopping on his left foot, holding his right foot. He steps in poop. Oh, yes. Maverick still isnt completely housebroken yet, and he still has accidents. And Jeremy found it. What are the odds? So, now, he is hopping on his hurt foot and cussing up a storm. I go in there and I ask him what the problem is, because hes like " @#$%! *&^! @^$#*^#($^*#(^$#($^#Q(*$^(*" So, I ask him why is he yelling at me? What does he want me to do about it? And he yells that he wants me to help him get the sh*t off of his foot, literally. So, my Mom tries to help him, and that just makes him even more angry. So, he snatches the paper towel from her and tries to do it himself with no luck. He is sitting on the edge of the bath tub with his jean yanked up to his upper thigh, washing his foot, muttering about dinner burning. Throughout his tantrum, my Dad has his hands over Lucas' ears, telling him "hear no evil, poot, hear no evil." So, jeremys opinion of this whole situation is that he has had a shitty day. First the tire explodes in his face, then he stubs his toe, then he steps in poop, and then we all laugh at him. Later on that night, he took a shower, and I was picking the tire ply out of his skin, and that was painful. So, he gets done and we were talking about how sore the road burn was on his neck. I get this idea that I will spray it with the dermoplast that the hospital sent home for me after I had Lucas. It will work. So, I spray it, and of course, he keeps talking. The mist lands in his mouth, and his tongue is numb. So, now, he had a tire blow up in his face, he stepped in shit, no one appreciates him, and his tongue is numb. I am starting to this that maybe he should stay in bed some days.

Well, I have some submittals to do...before I leave for my appointment. I finish the accounting so quickly now, and Debbie has created some great procedures that make it go easier. Wish me luck!

Friday, Friday, Friday

Things havent been easy this week. My marriage seems to be in a rough spot, and I think I just reached the breaking point. Why do things have to change? I mean, I know that they can change for the better, but sometimes they dont. And it isnt fair. Especially when you love someone so much and you feel like you just cant make them happy no matter what you do. Its insane. And its heartbreaking. So, then you find yourself wondering, what can I do? You walk around with this turmoil inside, asking yourself do I stay? Do I go? If I go do you care? Its so hard. But we seem to be working through them. I hope anyways. But I know that we cant help feeling differently, but I love him, and I cant help that this is who I am, and I cant just go and turn off how I feel. I dont know. I get to stay and fight this battle.

Work is going good. I am helping a co-worker, and it seems to make things better for her, and thats great. Plus, its keeping my mind off of other things because I actually have to think about what I am doing when I do her things. I dont get to go into auto-pilot like I do with my work, where its second nature and I could do it in my sleep.

Well, I am going to go. I have manicure I dont want to be late for.

Into my second week of work...

"Spider, Spider on the wall, have you no sense at all? Can't you see the wall has just been plastered? So, get the hell off of it, you slimy bastard!" ....my Dad's new song to his arch nemesis! I just thought I would share it because it made me laugh! Poor Spider. He doesnt have the guts to do that again...literally.

Anyways, Lucas just threw up all over me, which is not nice or pleasant. I am not happy that he did that. Maverick, aka: BRATIMUS, jumped on him, and the next thing I know, I am covered in projectile vomit. What a wonderful treat.
And let me tell you what Jeremy did: He ate almost all of my favorite ice cream bars because he was hot. Hasn't the man ever heard of "cold shower"??? I guess not.

Work is going fine. A little easier then I thought it would be. But its still hard. I am missing smiles, and laughs and giggles, and kisses. Is this child going to grow up without me? I hope not. I guess all mothers go through this. But it really hurts when I think about all that I am missing and am going to miss. I know at the end of the day, I am still his mother, and I hope that the end justifies the pain it took to get me there. Until then, I will cherish whatever time we have together. I am excited to be back at work. I missed the craziness. And thats what its about...the craziness. But its so much nicer and so much more fun now. I suppose you just need the right person to be there to make things great. And I think Debbie is that person. And I am excited that theres a possibility I can help out with customers too. I love working with customers. And if at all possible, I would help Amber with her 5 million phone calls...so if you read this, Amber, make it a point to get with me, so we can chat about my helping you...on the down low please.

Well, my spaghetti sauce should be done now, so I am going to go and finish up dinner. Jeremy is passed out on percocet due to his tension headache that the doctor said is severe. He started to get up, so I hit him with it again...just kidding! (wink, wink)