It appears as though I have some questions I need to answer...my supervisors last day is this Friday, March 3rd. This is kind of a mixed bag of things...I am glad shes going, but I am sad I am taking on this much this close to giving birth. I just keep telling myself, that obviously, this is what the plan is. And I can handle it. My only concern is that I am not sure my boss thinks I can in terms of being a new Mom. What he fails to realize is that I have a husband who is more than willing to help, and given his job, has the ability to leave and go back to work whenever he wants with little to no hassle. So, I have a lot of support. Right now, I am just taking it one day at a time!
Jeremy and I went to Sears and had pictures taken of the 2 of us while I am pretty pregnant. I am going to post a link here and see if I can figure out how to do it the other way also. After the pictures, Jeremy and I babysat my aunts 3 kids. And it wasnt too bad, actually. The kids were fine...typical kids, but fine. Jessie, who is 2, loved Jeremy. She made him read her every book she had downstairs, and she just loved him. And he really does have the patience of Jobe. She would eat some of her dinner and hold her hands up and tell him her hands were dirty, she must have told him 50 times. So, while I dealt with Sean and Samantha, he made sure she had chicken. The only issue at dinner came when she decided she wanted "dip" for her chicken. So, I got her ranch. She didnt want ranch, she wanted Jeremys fire sauce from Taco bell. I told her that that was spicy dip and she wouldnt like it, but she insisted she wanted "That picy dip!" I didnt give it to her. Julies kids are more susceptible to allergies, and I didnt want to give this child fire sauce from Taco Bell. So, she satisfied herself with dipping her chicken in her grape applesauce, which is absolutely disgusting, but hey, she ate it. Babysitting them made me realize, Jeremy and I can handle having Lucas. Granted, its not the same, but we did it. We made sure all five of us were seated and ate a dinner that was nice, and Julie and Chris got to go out and enjoy themselves, for a kid free night.
Well, I am going to sign off and get back to work. My 10 minute break is over....
Heres the link to the Sears pitcures: https://www.searsphotos.com/view_rolls.asp?tag=7B4DE2FF36A9477DA98DD5666F2A11F16267C50135914452925DE204B61E7929
I hope it works!
Monday, February 27, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Abandoned Blog Apology...
I am sorry its been a few days since I have written...for starters, things at work fell apart for me on Wednesday and I have been so busy that I am lucky if I get my 10 minute breaks I am supposed to take.
I guess the stress is getting to me...I am not sure though. This is what my mother-in-law told me, when at 11:30 lat night, I woke up and vomited for an hour. I didnt have a fever. I dont know. I was asleep and my heart started racing and I got really hot. I thought I was having a heart attack honestly. Then my stomach felt sick, and the next thing I know, I am talking to the porcelain god for about an hour. Once I was finished, I felt fine. My stomach was sore and I was worried I hurt Lucas, but I was fine. I laid back down and was almost asleep when Jeremys throat closed up and he started choking. Needless to say, last night was a sleepless one.
Between work and home, it is pretty stressful. There are some things going on here at work that I am unsure about. But I guess I shouldnt waste my time blogging about it. I will just say, for the record, that Wendys was not a career choice for me. It was a life choice. I worked there so that I could help my parents keep the house and put food on the table. That was the main goal. I nearly worked myself to death doing that and being in High School. I never got to be a teenager that hung out with friends and just had a good time. I had a mortgage and electric and groceries to worry about. I dont talk about it because I'll be damned before I will have someone pity me. Don't pity me. Pity the people who make me feel like I am dirt because I spent 4 years of my life working in a grease pit and going to school. I didnt choose that fate, it was handed to me and I had to make do with what I was given...it was not a stumbling block, it was a stepping stone. I learned to climb on top and take a good look at where I was going and which way I needed to be going. But those four years were probably the best years of my life, honestly. I fought for what I believed in. I had confidence. I guess I still I have all of that. Maybe the fire just dimmed a little over the last few years I dont know.
Lucas moves alot. But more on a schedule. Hes a night owl. Hes more likely to be turning cart wheels at midnight than noon. Its crazy! I am starting to get a little anxious about having him, but I know everything will be fine...I have 11 weeks to go!
I guess the stress is getting to me...I am not sure though. This is what my mother-in-law told me, when at 11:30 lat night, I woke up and vomited for an hour. I didnt have a fever. I dont know. I was asleep and my heart started racing and I got really hot. I thought I was having a heart attack honestly. Then my stomach felt sick, and the next thing I know, I am talking to the porcelain god for about an hour. Once I was finished, I felt fine. My stomach was sore and I was worried I hurt Lucas, but I was fine. I laid back down and was almost asleep when Jeremys throat closed up and he started choking. Needless to say, last night was a sleepless one.
Between work and home, it is pretty stressful. There are some things going on here at work that I am unsure about. But I guess I shouldnt waste my time blogging about it. I will just say, for the record, that Wendys was not a career choice for me. It was a life choice. I worked there so that I could help my parents keep the house and put food on the table. That was the main goal. I nearly worked myself to death doing that and being in High School. I never got to be a teenager that hung out with friends and just had a good time. I had a mortgage and electric and groceries to worry about. I dont talk about it because I'll be damned before I will have someone pity me. Don't pity me. Pity the people who make me feel like I am dirt because I spent 4 years of my life working in a grease pit and going to school. I didnt choose that fate, it was handed to me and I had to make do with what I was given...it was not a stumbling block, it was a stepping stone. I learned to climb on top and take a good look at where I was going and which way I needed to be going. But those four years were probably the best years of my life, honestly. I fought for what I believed in. I had confidence. I guess I still I have all of that. Maybe the fire just dimmed a little over the last few years I dont know.
Lucas moves alot. But more on a schedule. Hes a night owl. Hes more likely to be turning cart wheels at midnight than noon. Its crazy! I am starting to get a little anxious about having him, but I know everything will be fine...I have 11 weeks to go!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
28 weeks pregnant...and ready to go!
I know, blog neglect from yesterday. But seeing as how others neglect their blog for weeks...I think one day is excusable.
Yesterday was a busy day. I spent most of it learning how to do new things with my job, and the challenge is awesome. I just hope my boss gives me the opportunity to show that I can do this, granted, not alone, but I can do it. I think I deserve the opportunity. Yes, I came from Wendys, but I am smart.
For some reason, Bjourne has decided he is afraid of his kennel. I am not sure what prompted this change. But I am not happy about it. I spent 20 minutes trying to fight him into it and then ended up being 20 minutes late for work. He won't go in. Usually, he would just go in, and everything would be fine. He would be sad, but fine. Today, he acted like I was trying to make him take a bath. He kept running from me. He kept looking at the closet like there was something in it. I opened it and showed him there was nothing in it. Finally, I had had enough, so I got a whole can of cat food, put it in his food bowl and slid the bowl to the back of the kennel. When he was half way in, I gave his tush a little push and in he went. I am not sure what has prompted this behavior, but I plan to get to the bottom of it. Maybe I will Bjourne-proof the room tonight and see how he does tomorrow out of the kennel. I just feel bad because I keep seeing in my mind a scene from a horror movie, where while I am gone, the cats torture him and I come home and find him dead. Its horrible...okay, and a bit extreme, but you get what I mean. Hes like my child, and I worry about him. He'll be pretty ticked tonight when I get home, thats for sure.
Lucas has made sleeping and any other thing I try to do relatively difficult. I can't get comfortable enough to stay asleep. I think my mucus plug is in my nose, because I have a touch of a cold. Its awful. I cant breathe at night, and in the morning, my nose wont stop running. He moves further down now, and moves further up as well. So, that leads to pain and suffering. I think the third trimester sucks. And because now I am sleep deprived, I have engaged in the 5 stages of grief:
Denial: "This can't be happening to me" No crying, not even accepting the fact that I am pregnant and now an insomniac. Denying that I have an attitude or even a problem with anything. I am absolutely perfect and beautiful.
Anger: "Why the hell did this happen to me??" Blaming Jeremy because he can sleep and then feeling a little guilty for being so b*tchy, and then crying to make him feel bad for something he didnt even do in the first place. Or blowing up over something stupid and I should apologize, but I make everyone else apologize to me!
Bargaining: "I will trade you two vaccuums and a dish wash if you just go get me an orange freaking slush from Sonic..." I bargain for everything...then, I squelch on the deal, and Jeremy still has to do what I said I would do. Isnt that awful?? I feel bad...but then I get over it. He falls for it everytime. Why stop a good thing?? Okay, I will stop doing this to my husband as long as he promises me a never ending supply of orange slushes....(there I go again!)
Depression: "Gosh, could I be any more fat??" I was sitting in Off Broadway Show Warehouse, trying on shoes when I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked like a giant fat blob with a head! I swear, I was wearing a purple shirt, I looked like the purple people eater! It was awful. When did I get so fat??
Acceptance: "Okay, I accept my fate." NOT! I am so not here yet, and I am not sure I will ever be here. I have, however, accepted the fact that its not Jeremys fault hes a man and cant carry a baby. His humor-me statements only irritate me more, but they are sweet and endearing.
Then I go through the entire process again and again. Hmm...I tell you what...I will trade you my left kidney if these next 12 weeks just fly by....
Yesterday was a busy day. I spent most of it learning how to do new things with my job, and the challenge is awesome. I just hope my boss gives me the opportunity to show that I can do this, granted, not alone, but I can do it. I think I deserve the opportunity. Yes, I came from Wendys, but I am smart.
For some reason, Bjourne has decided he is afraid of his kennel. I am not sure what prompted this change. But I am not happy about it. I spent 20 minutes trying to fight him into it and then ended up being 20 minutes late for work. He won't go in. Usually, he would just go in, and everything would be fine. He would be sad, but fine. Today, he acted like I was trying to make him take a bath. He kept running from me. He kept looking at the closet like there was something in it. I opened it and showed him there was nothing in it. Finally, I had had enough, so I got a whole can of cat food, put it in his food bowl and slid the bowl to the back of the kennel. When he was half way in, I gave his tush a little push and in he went. I am not sure what has prompted this behavior, but I plan to get to the bottom of it. Maybe I will Bjourne-proof the room tonight and see how he does tomorrow out of the kennel. I just feel bad because I keep seeing in my mind a scene from a horror movie, where while I am gone, the cats torture him and I come home and find him dead. Its horrible...okay, and a bit extreme, but you get what I mean. Hes like my child, and I worry about him. He'll be pretty ticked tonight when I get home, thats for sure.
Lucas has made sleeping and any other thing I try to do relatively difficult. I can't get comfortable enough to stay asleep. I think my mucus plug is in my nose, because I have a touch of a cold. Its awful. I cant breathe at night, and in the morning, my nose wont stop running. He moves further down now, and moves further up as well. So, that leads to pain and suffering. I think the third trimester sucks. And because now I am sleep deprived, I have engaged in the 5 stages of grief:
Denial: "This can't be happening to me" No crying, not even accepting the fact that I am pregnant and now an insomniac. Denying that I have an attitude or even a problem with anything. I am absolutely perfect and beautiful.
Anger: "Why the hell did this happen to me??" Blaming Jeremy because he can sleep and then feeling a little guilty for being so b*tchy, and then crying to make him feel bad for something he didnt even do in the first place. Or blowing up over something stupid and I should apologize, but I make everyone else apologize to me!
Bargaining: "I will trade you two vaccuums and a dish wash if you just go get me an orange freaking slush from Sonic..." I bargain for everything...then, I squelch on the deal, and Jeremy still has to do what I said I would do. Isnt that awful?? I feel bad...but then I get over it. He falls for it everytime. Why stop a good thing?? Okay, I will stop doing this to my husband as long as he promises me a never ending supply of orange slushes....(there I go again!)
Depression: "Gosh, could I be any more fat??" I was sitting in Off Broadway Show Warehouse, trying on shoes when I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked like a giant fat blob with a head! I swear, I was wearing a purple shirt, I looked like the purple people eater! It was awful. When did I get so fat??
Acceptance: "Okay, I accept my fate." NOT! I am so not here yet, and I am not sure I will ever be here. I have, however, accepted the fact that its not Jeremys fault hes a man and cant carry a baby. His humor-me statements only irritate me more, but they are sweet and endearing.
Then I go through the entire process again and again. Hmm...I tell you what...I will trade you my left kidney if these next 12 weeks just fly by....
Friday, February 17, 2006
27 weeks and 6 days pregnant...and I am mad as hell
Let me start by stating that no matter what I do from here on out is due to pregnancy hormones and having to deal with the invasion of the 2 pound body snatcher! I am no longer responsible for my actions.
Let me start by saying that I am mad as hell at my husband. He was in the WORSE mood last night. And for starters, what does he have to be grumpy about? He's not the one with leg cramps and crotch kicks at all hours of the day. And he had a very careless attitude over a very serious issue. We have to pay a toll when we go home. Its 0.85 because we have a toll box. Well, his doesnt come directly out of our checking account, so when the money gets low he has to go there and replenish it. Sometimes we cant get there and he runs through it and goes and pays it. He was never told there is a separate form you are supposed to fill out. So, my father gets this letter saying there are 7 violations on this license plate from August 31,2003 to February 10, 2006. We owe $14.00. I guess that made Jeremy mad and he had a bad attitude about it last night that made everyone mad. So, I mailed them a check today, but I called first to make sure that is all he owed. It was and the lady informed me that if he runs it again, they will be sending Dad a court summons. We cant let that happen. I call and tell Jeremy this and he wants to argue with me. I have nothing to do with the freaking laws. He wants to rebel, but his rebellious ways are costing me money.
Then, last night, he lays down in bed and gets comfortable because he can, and I am laying there with a pain in my calf so bad that I feel like I have a ton of little lepracahns beating my muscles with their shelaly sticks. And it made me angry. So, I kicked him...and shouted that I didnt care if he rubbed my legs or not. He makes me so livid. He starts rubbing my leg for me, but I am still not ready to remove the lighted match from my nursing bra where I am swearing I wont breastfeed. I will make this child have formula so everyone has to help me feed him! I guess its hormones, but I am so angry about it. Why can't I get any help???
And its so hard to get past the "No, I will do it." So, when I am shopping and I have this huge pain in my side, why is so hard for me to let Dad help. "What cat litter do you need? This one? Okay, watch out and let me lift it." So, I have to swallow my "No, Daddy, I will do it myself, thank you for offering." and just say a resigned "yes." Its just so hard to do this and I am so tired.
I guess this is just one of those pregnancy melt down type things...hopefully, I will be over it, and soon...
Let me start by saying that I am mad as hell at my husband. He was in the WORSE mood last night. And for starters, what does he have to be grumpy about? He's not the one with leg cramps and crotch kicks at all hours of the day. And he had a very careless attitude over a very serious issue. We have to pay a toll when we go home. Its 0.85 because we have a toll box. Well, his doesnt come directly out of our checking account, so when the money gets low he has to go there and replenish it. Sometimes we cant get there and he runs through it and goes and pays it. He was never told there is a separate form you are supposed to fill out. So, my father gets this letter saying there are 7 violations on this license plate from August 31,2003 to February 10, 2006. We owe $14.00. I guess that made Jeremy mad and he had a bad attitude about it last night that made everyone mad. So, I mailed them a check today, but I called first to make sure that is all he owed. It was and the lady informed me that if he runs it again, they will be sending Dad a court summons. We cant let that happen. I call and tell Jeremy this and he wants to argue with me. I have nothing to do with the freaking laws. He wants to rebel, but his rebellious ways are costing me money.
Then, last night, he lays down in bed and gets comfortable because he can, and I am laying there with a pain in my calf so bad that I feel like I have a ton of little lepracahns beating my muscles with their shelaly sticks. And it made me angry. So, I kicked him...and shouted that I didnt care if he rubbed my legs or not. He makes me so livid. He starts rubbing my leg for me, but I am still not ready to remove the lighted match from my nursing bra where I am swearing I wont breastfeed. I will make this child have formula so everyone has to help me feed him! I guess its hormones, but I am so angry about it. Why can't I get any help???
And its so hard to get past the "No, I will do it." So, when I am shopping and I have this huge pain in my side, why is so hard for me to let Dad help. "What cat litter do you need? This one? Okay, watch out and let me lift it." So, I have to swallow my "No, Daddy, I will do it myself, thank you for offering." and just say a resigned "yes." Its just so hard to do this and I am so tired.
I guess this is just one of those pregnancy melt down type things...hopefully, I will be over it, and soon...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I am Queen of....the Kitty Mafia!
Last night I went and hung out with Carla...shes practically my sister. And we decided that every Wednesday would be our day to hang out. And she even offered to keep Lucas on Tuesdays, so all of my babysitting issues are worked out! We really had a fun time. You dont realize how much you miss someone until you see them again. She did make me feel better by telling me that I am all baby...I havent gained much weight anywhere other then my belly. So, that made me feel so much better...
When I got home, I went to get myself ready for a hot bath to soak my calf muscle. I got in the bathroom and ran the tub of water, and I look, and I have six cats in there with me, all wanting my attention. I swear, Jeremy teases that I am the queen of the kitty mafia. They arent happy until their leader is home. And I guess Bjourne is my right hand man...they all do tricks to get me to pet them, and they try to out-trick one another...its really entertaining!
Bjourne scared me when I was awake at 3 this morning. He had climbed off of the bed and sounded like he was getting ready to throw up, so I sit up and check on him, and I hear him run toward the back bedroom where my sister was. He never did get sick, but I was waiting for it. I got up this morning, washed my hair and was getting ready for work, when out of the corner of my eye, I see him trotting down the hall toward my bedroom with something in his mouth. I look and its my blue neck roll pillow that says angel on it that I had on the couch to support my lower back. The little devil had it in his mouth, set it down in my floor and laid his head on it, like, I am too damn good to have my head on this floor. Of course, I fussed at him, and he got his I am really sorry, sad face on and I had to give him kisses to make him feel better. He kept pushing my hand up with his nose while I was putting on my makeup. He has so much personality. And I think that is whats so great about him.
I am really tired today. I am tired in my body and I am tired in my mind. I think I am a little too overconfident in myself. I have this idea that I am going to come home with Lucas, and he is going to eat every 2 hours on a schedule, and then sleep, and then I will sleep while he sleeps, and everyone will be happy. I will be able to have a shower once a day, I will be able to fix dinner, I will be able to clean, everything I do now, except, I will have a baby on my breast! I am thinking maybe I am trying to be a little too June Cleaver...I think I am setting myself up for failure. But I can't see myself as being this frumpy, desparate mother who is sitting at her computer, blogging and crying, wishing like hell that I could just strap him in the bouncer seat and let him cry while I run far away and cry myself. Jeremy is such a happy person that I hope Lucas is just a happy baby...but I have to stop thinking that I am the epitome of greatness and I am going to be able to just handle this with the strength and fortitude that I have handled every other life changing event with. I am a woman. I am strong. I am confident. So, why do I feel this insane wave of panic wash over me when I think about being home with a newborn without their help. When the nurses load us up in the car and send Jeremy and I on our way, do they realize that they are dooming this child?? They could be sending this child into a complete mess of things. Just because I am his mama does not mean I am qualified. Maybe a nurse should come and make sure I am doing everything right. What if his umbilical cord leftover falls off and I dont realize it, and Jinx eats it because he eats EVERYTHING?! How devestated will Lucas be when he finds out I dont have that dried up disgusting nub in my hopechest? What happens when I feel the need to sit down and indulge in a crying jag of my own?? Now I dread the day my water breaks (although, I pray it happens at work, all over the carpet just to be common. Dont worry Amber, I will save some for your office!) I guess I am just having pre-delivery jitters...but unlike a wedding, I cant call off this union can I?
When I got home, I went to get myself ready for a hot bath to soak my calf muscle. I got in the bathroom and ran the tub of water, and I look, and I have six cats in there with me, all wanting my attention. I swear, Jeremy teases that I am the queen of the kitty mafia. They arent happy until their leader is home. And I guess Bjourne is my right hand man...they all do tricks to get me to pet them, and they try to out-trick one another...its really entertaining!
Bjourne scared me when I was awake at 3 this morning. He had climbed off of the bed and sounded like he was getting ready to throw up, so I sit up and check on him, and I hear him run toward the back bedroom where my sister was. He never did get sick, but I was waiting for it. I got up this morning, washed my hair and was getting ready for work, when out of the corner of my eye, I see him trotting down the hall toward my bedroom with something in his mouth. I look and its my blue neck roll pillow that says angel on it that I had on the couch to support my lower back. The little devil had it in his mouth, set it down in my floor and laid his head on it, like, I am too damn good to have my head on this floor. Of course, I fussed at him, and he got his I am really sorry, sad face on and I had to give him kisses to make him feel better. He kept pushing my hand up with his nose while I was putting on my makeup. He has so much personality. And I think that is whats so great about him.
I am really tired today. I am tired in my body and I am tired in my mind. I think I am a little too overconfident in myself. I have this idea that I am going to come home with Lucas, and he is going to eat every 2 hours on a schedule, and then sleep, and then I will sleep while he sleeps, and everyone will be happy. I will be able to have a shower once a day, I will be able to fix dinner, I will be able to clean, everything I do now, except, I will have a baby on my breast! I am thinking maybe I am trying to be a little too June Cleaver...I think I am setting myself up for failure. But I can't see myself as being this frumpy, desparate mother who is sitting at her computer, blogging and crying, wishing like hell that I could just strap him in the bouncer seat and let him cry while I run far away and cry myself. Jeremy is such a happy person that I hope Lucas is just a happy baby...but I have to stop thinking that I am the epitome of greatness and I am going to be able to just handle this with the strength and fortitude that I have handled every other life changing event with. I am a woman. I am strong. I am confident. So, why do I feel this insane wave of panic wash over me when I think about being home with a newborn without their help. When the nurses load us up in the car and send Jeremy and I on our way, do they realize that they are dooming this child?? They could be sending this child into a complete mess of things. Just because I am his mama does not mean I am qualified. Maybe a nurse should come and make sure I am doing everything right. What if his umbilical cord leftover falls off and I dont realize it, and Jinx eats it because he eats EVERYTHING?! How devestated will Lucas be when he finds out I dont have that dried up disgusting nub in my hopechest? What happens when I feel the need to sit down and indulge in a crying jag of my own?? Now I dread the day my water breaks (although, I pray it happens at work, all over the carpet just to be common. Dont worry Amber, I will save some for your office!) I guess I am just having pre-delivery jitters...but unlike a wedding, I cant call off this union can I?
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Wednesday+ Payday= Good Mood!
I hope everyone had a wonderful valentine's day! I know I did. Jeremy got me the best card and a Whitmans candy sampler...he said I could wear my hollywood star sunglasses, in a silk robe and eat the chocolate while lounging...I think hes pretty funny! We went to dinner at Dino's and it was a good choice because they werent that busy. We really had a good time.
My Mom has confirmed what I sadly already knew: Bjourne is a brat dog. I dropped him off at Mom and Dad's so that he wouldn't be in the kennel again. I also dropped off Chick-fil-a salads so Mom and Dad could have dinner and a nice quiet evening at home. Truth be told, by the time Mom gets home from work, shes tired, so she and Dad were perfectly okay with this arrangement. Well, dummy me, forgot that Bjourne has an absolute love of chick-fil-a. He loves their chicken. If I go and hes with me, I have to get enough chicken to share with him or order him his own chicken so he will peacefully leave mine alone. So, Jeremy and I went to dinner and then I went shopping and spent my birthday money, and as we were headed home, I called to let Mom know I was on my way to get my dog. Well, she informs me that Bjourne is a brat. Apparently, while they were eating their salads, they gave Bjourne a pig ear, which he loves more than anything. He didnt want that pig ear, he wanted some chicken. Well, of course, my Dad gave him a little, but it was not enough for Bjourne. My Mom had finally had it with his begging and told him he wasnt getting her chicken and to get over it. Well, that ticked him off, and he jumped on the loveseat, flopped down and sighed. And literally sulked over that chicken. My Mom told him he could just sit there and pout. A few minutes later, Dads cat comes into the living room and starts licking the pig ear and starting to eat it. That makes Bjourne mad again, so he gets down and snarls. Turns out, Dad has to give Lucky a piece of the pig ear as well. I know Bjourne is spoiled. Jeremy reminds me everyday of how I spoiled him. But hes just like a kid..."No, Bjourne, dont put that in your mouth."...."Bjourne, get out of her face."...."Missy, stop hitting him...."..."Bjourne get out of her butt..." ...."Bjourne, out of the kitchen..."..."Do you need a time out?"..."Do you want a spanking??"..."Go lay down and stop chasing the kitten..." Its constant. Its never ending. He truly is like a toddler.
I think I am starting to get Spring Fever. Or a bad case of Martha Stewartitis (which, I've heard can land you in a brace if you're not careful.) I want my house clean. I dont like the way I have this, or I need to redo the flowers to match the season, its getting closer to being spring, so my Christmas flowers are looking out of place. So, I guess eventually I will get around to redoing them considering spring is just around the corner...and suddenly, everyone is wondering where the girl scout cookies are...well, I dont miss those little girl scouts, let me tell you...those #*&@% Girl Scouts. If there were any justice in the world, Samoas would be classified as an addictive substance and anyone who gained more than five pounds on them could file a class-action lawsuit against the little green-skirted capitalists. I need people to stop mentioning them...I'll be craving them and then what? I won't be statisfied until I get them. However, pretty soon they will be standing outside of stores selling them, and I will buy them and its all down hill from there!
I have been wondering a lot lately about how I am going to handle all of Lucas' questioning. If hes anything like me, he will have a million day, or maybe he will be like I was and combine a bunch of different things into one conversation...like..."I have one penis, right, Mama?...Mama, you don't have a penis, right?...It's okay for me to go potty when I need to go, but its not okay for me to hit my friend, right?...thats not very nice...I like ice cream...can I pick my nose?" I didnt say that it would make sense. I just wonder if I will be handle to a volley of these questions...like what I have dreamed about lately. And I wonder if I am going to miss out on all of those wonderful kid things because I have chosen a lifestyle that dictates that Jeremy and I both must work. I dont want to miss his little antics. I envy stay at home Moms. I really do.
Well, its finally happened...my uncle Gerald has made it into my blog. Hes sick with the same disease as my Dad, except his is worse. He lives in Cullowhee, North Carolina, and he is definitely a trip. He told his landlord yesterday that he was tired of him hasseling him. He said some things that were not polite. But the funniest thing I think he said, was, and I quote: "I go next week for my analysis to find out whether I am going to live or die. Now, do you really want to f#$% with me? You better pray that I find out that I am going live, because if not, I am coming for your #$$ and I am going to kill everything in your house. You have goldfish? Well, I am going to squeeze them until their guts pop out and leave them floating in the tank, and you are gonna know who did it. Do you really want to f#$% with me? If I see you on the street, I am going to be on your #$$ like stink on s^&*. I am going to beat the hell out of you. Now, I suggest we play hide and seek, you have until I count to 10 to go hide, and if you are lucky I wont try to find you. Do you really want to f#$% with me?" The guy says no, and wants to know if Gerald is threatening him...Gerald says no I am promising you. So, I guess the guy left. I dont know. Maybe when your days are limited, you just dont care to piss around with people anymore. But I still dont think he should threaten goldfish...but thats Gerald. I just felt that it deserved a space in my blog...and so that I can still laugh over it in a few months when I am home and lonely and feel down about some things.
Well, I am going to wrap this entry up and get back to work!
My Mom has confirmed what I sadly already knew: Bjourne is a brat dog. I dropped him off at Mom and Dad's so that he wouldn't be in the kennel again. I also dropped off Chick-fil-a salads so Mom and Dad could have dinner and a nice quiet evening at home. Truth be told, by the time Mom gets home from work, shes tired, so she and Dad were perfectly okay with this arrangement. Well, dummy me, forgot that Bjourne has an absolute love of chick-fil-a. He loves their chicken. If I go and hes with me, I have to get enough chicken to share with him or order him his own chicken so he will peacefully leave mine alone. So, Jeremy and I went to dinner and then I went shopping and spent my birthday money, and as we were headed home, I called to let Mom know I was on my way to get my dog. Well, she informs me that Bjourne is a brat. Apparently, while they were eating their salads, they gave Bjourne a pig ear, which he loves more than anything. He didnt want that pig ear, he wanted some chicken. Well, of course, my Dad gave him a little, but it was not enough for Bjourne. My Mom had finally had it with his begging and told him he wasnt getting her chicken and to get over it. Well, that ticked him off, and he jumped on the loveseat, flopped down and sighed. And literally sulked over that chicken. My Mom told him he could just sit there and pout. A few minutes later, Dads cat comes into the living room and starts licking the pig ear and starting to eat it. That makes Bjourne mad again, so he gets down and snarls. Turns out, Dad has to give Lucky a piece of the pig ear as well. I know Bjourne is spoiled. Jeremy reminds me everyday of how I spoiled him. But hes just like a kid..."No, Bjourne, dont put that in your mouth."...."Bjourne, get out of her face."...."Missy, stop hitting him...."..."Bjourne get out of her butt..." ...."Bjourne, out of the kitchen..."..."Do you need a time out?"..."Do you want a spanking??"..."Go lay down and stop chasing the kitten..." Its constant. Its never ending. He truly is like a toddler.
I think I am starting to get Spring Fever. Or a bad case of Martha Stewartitis (which, I've heard can land you in a brace if you're not careful.) I want my house clean. I dont like the way I have this, or I need to redo the flowers to match the season, its getting closer to being spring, so my Christmas flowers are looking out of place. So, I guess eventually I will get around to redoing them considering spring is just around the corner...and suddenly, everyone is wondering where the girl scout cookies are...well, I dont miss those little girl scouts, let me tell you...those #*&@% Girl Scouts. If there were any justice in the world, Samoas would be classified as an addictive substance and anyone who gained more than five pounds on them could file a class-action lawsuit against the little green-skirted capitalists. I need people to stop mentioning them...I'll be craving them and then what? I won't be statisfied until I get them. However, pretty soon they will be standing outside of stores selling them, and I will buy them and its all down hill from there!
I have been wondering a lot lately about how I am going to handle all of Lucas' questioning. If hes anything like me, he will have a million day, or maybe he will be like I was and combine a bunch of different things into one conversation...like..."I have one penis, right, Mama?...Mama, you don't have a penis, right?...It's okay for me to go potty when I need to go, but its not okay for me to hit my friend, right?...thats not very nice...I like ice cream...can I pick my nose?" I didnt say that it would make sense. I just wonder if I will be handle to a volley of these questions...like what I have dreamed about lately. And I wonder if I am going to miss out on all of those wonderful kid things because I have chosen a lifestyle that dictates that Jeremy and I both must work. I dont want to miss his little antics. I envy stay at home Moms. I really do.
Well, its finally happened...my uncle Gerald has made it into my blog. Hes sick with the same disease as my Dad, except his is worse. He lives in Cullowhee, North Carolina, and he is definitely a trip. He told his landlord yesterday that he was tired of him hasseling him. He said some things that were not polite. But the funniest thing I think he said, was, and I quote: "I go next week for my analysis to find out whether I am going to live or die. Now, do you really want to f#$% with me? You better pray that I find out that I am going live, because if not, I am coming for your #$$ and I am going to kill everything in your house. You have goldfish? Well, I am going to squeeze them until their guts pop out and leave them floating in the tank, and you are gonna know who did it. Do you really want to f#$% with me? If I see you on the street, I am going to be on your #$$ like stink on s^&*. I am going to beat the hell out of you. Now, I suggest we play hide and seek, you have until I count to 10 to go hide, and if you are lucky I wont try to find you. Do you really want to f#$% with me?" The guy says no, and wants to know if Gerald is threatening him...Gerald says no I am promising you. So, I guess the guy left. I dont know. Maybe when your days are limited, you just dont care to piss around with people anymore. But I still dont think he should threaten goldfish...but thats Gerald. I just felt that it deserved a space in my blog...and so that I can still laugh over it in a few months when I am home and lonely and feel down about some things.
Well, I am going to wrap this entry up and get back to work!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentines Day!
It's valentines Day...and Jeremy left me one red rose on the table in a beautiful vase, a card I didnt open yet and a small box of Whitmans' Sampler. I am waiting to open the card with him...he was a little diappointed, but oh well. I ran out of time anyways, and I want to savor reading the card. Our original plan involved me making enchiladas at home but I have some birthday money that I want to spend, so I want to go shopping. We decided we would go shopping and just get dinner out. Even if its Taco Bell or something like that. I am not planning on trying to go to a sit down restaurant anywhere! We'll see where we end up.
I am alone in my office today. Its kind of strange...but in a good way...thats all that I am going to say about it. I could talk some major smack, but I am above that, so not a single word will be uttered.
I have really been doing some thinking about things the last couple days...things that I wish for Lucas, things that I wish for myself and Jeremy. The days anymore dance into the distance and are gone before I even know it. I don't have a map for the easy road to give Lucas, and I am not sure I would give it to him if I did. I think some of my best learned lessons were learned the hard way. The best advice I have for him when hes old enough to hear it, is as follows:
I am alone in my office today. Its kind of strange...but in a good way...thats all that I am going to say about it. I could talk some major smack, but I am above that, so not a single word will be uttered.
I have really been doing some thinking about things the last couple days...things that I wish for Lucas, things that I wish for myself and Jeremy. The days anymore dance into the distance and are gone before I even know it. I don't have a map for the easy road to give Lucas, and I am not sure I would give it to him if I did. I think some of my best learned lessons were learned the hard way. The best advice I have for him when hes old enough to hear it, is as follows:
- Cry hard and laugh loud.
- Don't be afraid of your fears.
- Be humble, but still be proud of yourself.
- Let love break your heart.
- Never be anything but who you are.
- Hold onto your faith with all of your heart.
- Be careful, but be brave.
- Remember God's grace.
- And always, give more than you take.
I am sure there will be more...but I can't think of them...at least not right now!
But its Valentines Day...do we have to get a little mushy! This is the only day out of the year where public displays of affection are permitted and not looked upon as slutty or irresponsible behavior! So, I am going to follow up with song lyrics that I heard today and really fits right here in Valentine's Day:
"Sunshine And Love"
If I had a zillion dollars and the whole world on a string
Diamonds in my pockets and the power of a king
I don’t think I’d be any happier than I am right now
‘Cause money’s only paper,
It might buy a lot of stuff
But if money’s what your chasing
You won’t ever have enough
‘Cause the best things in life
Might not be free but they sure are cheap
Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love
There is something about the moment
When two hemispheres collide
And someone opens up their world and lets
You see inside
And you realize that everything that you’ve been waiting for
For your whole life is standing right there There ain’t nothing like love
Doesnt that song just make you feel good?? It makes me think of warm spring days to come....
Monday, February 13, 2006
It's Monday, and its my birthday...
Today is my birthday. I am officially 23. Wow. I am 23 and I am due to have my son in almost exactly 3 months. Crazy isnt it?
I went home Friday and found that my aggarvation had increased with everyone to the point where I was about to choke someone. Jeremy did clean the house, so I other than putting away my laundry, I really didnt have any cleaning to do. But he ruined it with an attitude, and my sister and her boyfriend, who is also my friend, helped push me over my line of toleration. I ended up calling them all a$$holes and being snotty.
Saturday was the kind of day that I needed...I went to lunch with Karen and Erica and we went to the mall and just milled around, I tried on big floppy hats and movie star huge sunglasses, and it was hilarious. It rained, so, it kind of made for a good day. I went home and just spent some much needed one on one time with Jeremy which included a peaceful and nice bubblebath.
Yesterday was my party at my grandparents. My aunt put together a really nice lunch and I got a lot of birthday cards...but the highlight of the day was when I went to see Ms. Charlotte next door. She embodies the spirit of old southern women, most of who have been lost over the ages...talking to her can take you back to another time...and when I tell you some of her stories, you will understand why! She has some health issues, so, everytime we get together at my aunts and eat, we fix her and Mr. Bernard a plate. Then we send over dessert. Well, they must have been informed that it was my birthday party because they sent over a $20 bill in an envelope with Happy Birthday written on it. So, I decided to take them the dessert and thank them...I walked in, and she was so excited to see me that she says to me "I am shamed that it took $20 bucks to get you here." and I laughed and hugged her, and she told me how beautiful I am (I think her eyesights going...) and that I looked wonderful for being 6½ months pregnant. I sat down and we got to talking, and she told me how when she was in the Regency home with a massive kidney infection there was this "colored man" (her words, not mine...) and he didnt have any legs, and he would wheel himself into her room that she shared with another woman and just plain bother them. And he wasnt supposed to be there, so she kept summoning the nurses and telling him to wheel himself right back out the door, and the nurse would take him to his room...I guess he did it one too many times, and Ms. Charlotte had had enough...and he got too close to her bed, and she whaled on him with her bag...but she was laughing so hard, that I am not sure if she beat him with her bag or sprayed him with hairspray. But the point is, she beat a man with no legs in a wheelchair because he kept coming in her room...she says things like, I was like Grant at Richmond when it came to that...(Thats a Southern reference that I am guessing was popular years ago, it references Lees surrender to Grant at the end of the Civil War. I know older people used it to show that their spirit wasnt defeated...she still uses it, here in 2006!) She used that phrase because she won an argument. She told me how common her family treated her, and how she would be like Sherman burning through Atlanta, burn them up one end and down the other (yet another southern reference to the War.) But I have to tell you...she sat in her chair and she told me that she had ulcers on her legs, and she didnt have a lot of control over her bladder (vulgar isnt she??) but she'd take it, because she was alive. And not to let anyone under estimate what I can do. And her doctor told her, she had many a person to get straightened out before God was ready to take her home, and that Lucifur trembles at the sound of her name...I felt like I was in a movie...the way she was holding my hand and given me this widom and insight. She can tell me so much...lots of people like her can. They remember their childhood. They remember their parents childhood, and they remember their grandparents childhood stories. When these people are gone, so is the knowledge. But, even though she sat there, with her legs wrapped up in bandages, with her oxygen hook up near by, she laughed. She laughed loud. It was a genuine laugh. And to me, she is a beautiful Christian woman. And when she goes to meet her maker, we are going to lose a character in Ms. Charlotte.
But her words have really stuck with me...and I think thats something to be proud of.
I went home Friday and found that my aggarvation had increased with everyone to the point where I was about to choke someone. Jeremy did clean the house, so I other than putting away my laundry, I really didnt have any cleaning to do. But he ruined it with an attitude, and my sister and her boyfriend, who is also my friend, helped push me over my line of toleration. I ended up calling them all a$$holes and being snotty.
Saturday was the kind of day that I needed...I went to lunch with Karen and Erica and we went to the mall and just milled around, I tried on big floppy hats and movie star huge sunglasses, and it was hilarious. It rained, so, it kind of made for a good day. I went home and just spent some much needed one on one time with Jeremy which included a peaceful and nice bubblebath.
Yesterday was my party at my grandparents. My aunt put together a really nice lunch and I got a lot of birthday cards...but the highlight of the day was when I went to see Ms. Charlotte next door. She embodies the spirit of old southern women, most of who have been lost over the ages...talking to her can take you back to another time...and when I tell you some of her stories, you will understand why! She has some health issues, so, everytime we get together at my aunts and eat, we fix her and Mr. Bernard a plate. Then we send over dessert. Well, they must have been informed that it was my birthday party because they sent over a $20 bill in an envelope with Happy Birthday written on it. So, I decided to take them the dessert and thank them...I walked in, and she was so excited to see me that she says to me "I am shamed that it took $20 bucks to get you here." and I laughed and hugged her, and she told me how beautiful I am (I think her eyesights going...) and that I looked wonderful for being 6½ months pregnant. I sat down and we got to talking, and she told me how when she was in the Regency home with a massive kidney infection there was this "colored man" (her words, not mine...) and he didnt have any legs, and he would wheel himself into her room that she shared with another woman and just plain bother them. And he wasnt supposed to be there, so she kept summoning the nurses and telling him to wheel himself right back out the door, and the nurse would take him to his room...I guess he did it one too many times, and Ms. Charlotte had had enough...and he got too close to her bed, and she whaled on him with her bag...but she was laughing so hard, that I am not sure if she beat him with her bag or sprayed him with hairspray. But the point is, she beat a man with no legs in a wheelchair because he kept coming in her room...she says things like, I was like Grant at Richmond when it came to that...(Thats a Southern reference that I am guessing was popular years ago, it references Lees surrender to Grant at the end of the Civil War. I know older people used it to show that their spirit wasnt defeated...she still uses it, here in 2006!) She used that phrase because she won an argument. She told me how common her family treated her, and how she would be like Sherman burning through Atlanta, burn them up one end and down the other (yet another southern reference to the War.) But I have to tell you...she sat in her chair and she told me that she had ulcers on her legs, and she didnt have a lot of control over her bladder (vulgar isnt she??) but she'd take it, because she was alive. And not to let anyone under estimate what I can do. And her doctor told her, she had many a person to get straightened out before God was ready to take her home, and that Lucifur trembles at the sound of her name...I felt like I was in a movie...the way she was holding my hand and given me this widom and insight. She can tell me so much...lots of people like her can. They remember their childhood. They remember their parents childhood, and they remember their grandparents childhood stories. When these people are gone, so is the knowledge. But, even though she sat there, with her legs wrapped up in bandages, with her oxygen hook up near by, she laughed. She laughed loud. It was a genuine laugh. And to me, she is a beautiful Christian woman. And when she goes to meet her maker, we are going to lose a character in Ms. Charlotte.
But her words have really stuck with me...and I think thats something to be proud of.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Today is Friday and I overslept....
That is my confession...I overslept this morning. I dont even remember turning the alarm clock off. I must be more tired then I realize. But lets go over the last 2 days of events to see if we can figure out why I am so tired...
Wednesday: I left work right at 5pm and headed home. I picked up my Dad so that we could go and get his prescription from the pharmacy. He had been without his breathing treatment for 3 days which is not good for a terminally ill person. I had called the pharmacy twice while I was at work and was getting ready to chomp on Dr. Ackart when they finally faxed in his refills. I went home, I fed my cats, got Bjourne and went up to Wal-Mart. I get there, get his medicine and Jeremys medicine is an issue because they insurance company refused to pay for it because they say it is too soon. I call bullcrap. So, I explain that he had a NEW prescription and a NEW dosage so, therefore, its a new prescription. Well, I have to wait for them to verify this through the insurance and then I had to wait for them to fill it. Jeremy calls while I am waiting and I tell him to just get pizza on his way home for everyone, because there was no way I was going home to cook. I finally get his prescription. I get to my parents just a few minutes before he does, and we eat dinner around 8pm. I then get Bjourne, and rush home and start a load a laundry. I straighten up my kitchen. I take a quick bath. I finally get in bed around 10:30 or so, and I am so tired I can't hardly see straight.
Thursday: Once again I leave work right at 5pm, (understand, it takes me an hour to get home) I get to Mom and Dads and his hands are bothering him and hes out of breath from just getting back from the bank. I help him get his braces on and we head to the grocery store. We get groceries, and I go back to his house and start fixing tacos. Its 8:30 before we eat. I then go home and put away my groceries, dry a load of laundry, wash another load of laundry, get Bjourne ready for bed, make sure the cats and fish are fed, make the bed, pick Jeremys clothes up out of the floor in the bathroom, sweep the bathroom, yell at him to scoop the litterboxes, fold and put away the towels, go to him and tap my foot for emphasis, spank Jinx for climbing the wall, hop in the bath to wash my face and rinse off, get out, brush my teeth, put on cocoa butter, go to feed the cats and wind up with Super Supper all over me because Jinx jumped for the bowl at the same time I went to set it down. Have to find more pajamas, because my maternity ones need to be washed, end up wearing one of Jeremys t-shirts, and get in bed about 11pm.
And I wonder why I overslept this morning. This is not just two days that are like this, it's everyday. And I havent even had my baby yet. And tonight, I have to go home and clean. The kitchen, the hallway and both bathrooms have to be mopped, I have dishes in the sink that have to be done, the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, the stove wiped down, all the rooms vaccuumed...and somewhere in there I need to find time for dinner. Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter that I have to help take care of Daddy. Thats part of my life, and I know that hes taken care, and Mama doesnt have to worry while shes working. I am just not sure whos going to do it after I have the baby. This is a heavy load to bare. And Jeremy helps when he can, but hes taking night classes. I am sure that once I am healed and recovered, I can do it just fine, but until then, whos going to do it? And its not just Daddy. Its my house too. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I had the wierdest dream last night...I had a dream that my water broke, and I remember feeling a little panicked like,maybe it was too soon. I was sitting in a chair in like, a doctors waiting room, and my water breaks, and I look down, and my babys being born...and these nurses and this doctor come and scoop him up, and cut the umbilical cord, and I keep telling them Jeremy is supposed to do that, and where are you going with my son?? And they are running down this corridor with him, and I am bleeding where they cut the cord, and Jeremys trying to stop the bleeding, he keeps saying I am going to bleed to death, I am going to bleed to death and so is Lucas, if they dont do something, and I am trying to get out of this chair and chase after them, and I keep saying, where are you taking my son?? And the doctor yells back, your daughter is not going to make it...And I remember standing in this cold corridor wondering what in the hell is going on...I am having a boy. I saw his wanky and scrotum in the ultrasound. Its a boy. Then these people lead me into this locker room type thing, and Jeremy is with me, and they are like, take a shower, you are covered in blood its disgusting. And there are discarded clothes everywhere. And there are lockers. And I am just standing there. And I am like, I want to see my son. And they are like, after you have shower and get dressed you can see your baby, have a seat and wait in here. So, I go and take a shower, still looking pregnant, and Jeremy helps me find some clothes, and I am devestated at the sight of the blood soaked hospital gown. I sit at this little table with little chairs, like you see in kindergarten class rooms and we are waiting. And this guy comes in and kisses me like he knows me. I push him off of me, and Jeremy is just sitting there, shocked, and I am like, what the hell are you doing? Get away from me! And hes like you know who I am, you just gave birth to my daughter. I am looking at Jeremy like, can you believe this guy?? What a nutcase...I had a son. I am married. These security people come back to get us, and they are like, you can go home now, and I am like, I dont think so, where is my son? And they tell me there records show that I had a daughter and she was premature and she is in the prenatal unit and I cant see her. And I said I dont want to see her, I want to see my son. I had a son. Where is he? And they make me go home. And the kissy guy follows us, and I am like, go away, I dont know who you are, I did not ever sleep with you to have your baby, and I do not want you to touch me.
I get to some house I do not recognize and I sit down and talk to my parents, and I am talking like my water broke, but I havent had the baby...and I havent felt him move, so I keep trying to get Jeremy to call the doctor and tell them, my water broke, I havent had my baby, and I cant feel him move and Jeremy keeps making all of these excuses...and that guy who is saying I had his daughter is still there, and I woke up right when Jeremy was getting ready to punch his lights out...Wierd, huh? I am not sure where that came from, and I am too afraid to even begin to analyze it...I just thought I would share it and get some opinions....
Well, I am going to get back to work...
Wednesday: I left work right at 5pm and headed home. I picked up my Dad so that we could go and get his prescription from the pharmacy. He had been without his breathing treatment for 3 days which is not good for a terminally ill person. I had called the pharmacy twice while I was at work and was getting ready to chomp on Dr. Ackart when they finally faxed in his refills. I went home, I fed my cats, got Bjourne and went up to Wal-Mart. I get there, get his medicine and Jeremys medicine is an issue because they insurance company refused to pay for it because they say it is too soon. I call bullcrap. So, I explain that he had a NEW prescription and a NEW dosage so, therefore, its a new prescription. Well, I have to wait for them to verify this through the insurance and then I had to wait for them to fill it. Jeremy calls while I am waiting and I tell him to just get pizza on his way home for everyone, because there was no way I was going home to cook. I finally get his prescription. I get to my parents just a few minutes before he does, and we eat dinner around 8pm. I then get Bjourne, and rush home and start a load a laundry. I straighten up my kitchen. I take a quick bath. I finally get in bed around 10:30 or so, and I am so tired I can't hardly see straight.
Thursday: Once again I leave work right at 5pm, (understand, it takes me an hour to get home) I get to Mom and Dads and his hands are bothering him and hes out of breath from just getting back from the bank. I help him get his braces on and we head to the grocery store. We get groceries, and I go back to his house and start fixing tacos. Its 8:30 before we eat. I then go home and put away my groceries, dry a load of laundry, wash another load of laundry, get Bjourne ready for bed, make sure the cats and fish are fed, make the bed, pick Jeremys clothes up out of the floor in the bathroom, sweep the bathroom, yell at him to scoop the litterboxes, fold and put away the towels, go to him and tap my foot for emphasis, spank Jinx for climbing the wall, hop in the bath to wash my face and rinse off, get out, brush my teeth, put on cocoa butter, go to feed the cats and wind up with Super Supper all over me because Jinx jumped for the bowl at the same time I went to set it down. Have to find more pajamas, because my maternity ones need to be washed, end up wearing one of Jeremys t-shirts, and get in bed about 11pm.
And I wonder why I overslept this morning. This is not just two days that are like this, it's everyday. And I havent even had my baby yet. And tonight, I have to go home and clean. The kitchen, the hallway and both bathrooms have to be mopped, I have dishes in the sink that have to be done, the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, the stove wiped down, all the rooms vaccuumed...and somewhere in there I need to find time for dinner. Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter that I have to help take care of Daddy. Thats part of my life, and I know that hes taken care, and Mama doesnt have to worry while shes working. I am just not sure whos going to do it after I have the baby. This is a heavy load to bare. And Jeremy helps when he can, but hes taking night classes. I am sure that once I am healed and recovered, I can do it just fine, but until then, whos going to do it? And its not just Daddy. Its my house too. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I had the wierdest dream last night...I had a dream that my water broke, and I remember feeling a little panicked like,maybe it was too soon. I was sitting in a chair in like, a doctors waiting room, and my water breaks, and I look down, and my babys being born...and these nurses and this doctor come and scoop him up, and cut the umbilical cord, and I keep telling them Jeremy is supposed to do that, and where are you going with my son?? And they are running down this corridor with him, and I am bleeding where they cut the cord, and Jeremys trying to stop the bleeding, he keeps saying I am going to bleed to death, I am going to bleed to death and so is Lucas, if they dont do something, and I am trying to get out of this chair and chase after them, and I keep saying, where are you taking my son?? And the doctor yells back, your daughter is not going to make it...And I remember standing in this cold corridor wondering what in the hell is going on...I am having a boy. I saw his wanky and scrotum in the ultrasound. Its a boy. Then these people lead me into this locker room type thing, and Jeremy is with me, and they are like, take a shower, you are covered in blood its disgusting. And there are discarded clothes everywhere. And there are lockers. And I am just standing there. And I am like, I want to see my son. And they are like, after you have shower and get dressed you can see your baby, have a seat and wait in here. So, I go and take a shower, still looking pregnant, and Jeremy helps me find some clothes, and I am devestated at the sight of the blood soaked hospital gown. I sit at this little table with little chairs, like you see in kindergarten class rooms and we are waiting. And this guy comes in and kisses me like he knows me. I push him off of me, and Jeremy is just sitting there, shocked, and I am like, what the hell are you doing? Get away from me! And hes like you know who I am, you just gave birth to my daughter. I am looking at Jeremy like, can you believe this guy?? What a nutcase...I had a son. I am married. These security people come back to get us, and they are like, you can go home now, and I am like, I dont think so, where is my son? And they tell me there records show that I had a daughter and she was premature and she is in the prenatal unit and I cant see her. And I said I dont want to see her, I want to see my son. I had a son. Where is he? And they make me go home. And the kissy guy follows us, and I am like, go away, I dont know who you are, I did not ever sleep with you to have your baby, and I do not want you to touch me.
I get to some house I do not recognize and I sit down and talk to my parents, and I am talking like my water broke, but I havent had the baby...and I havent felt him move, so I keep trying to get Jeremy to call the doctor and tell them, my water broke, I havent had my baby, and I cant feel him move and Jeremy keeps making all of these excuses...and that guy who is saying I had his daughter is still there, and I woke up right when Jeremy was getting ready to punch his lights out...Wierd, huh? I am not sure where that came from, and I am too afraid to even begin to analyze it...I just thought I would share it and get some opinions....
Well, I am going to get back to work...
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Hello Thursday...what a good day you are!
They got us back online at work this morning, YAY! I am so happy. I can do my work now (I know, I am not working NOW, but you know what I mean!) Maybe things will be a lot smoother and more calm today!
I found a place that has my truck tires on sale (okay, okay, Jeremy found them, sheesh.) I am getting 4 brand new Goodyear Wrangler RTS tires, put on the rim and balanced for $394.18! Thats awesome. And then Jeremy wont have to take my truck on base to do it himself. Of course, they wont have the white lettering like I like, but I guess I will have to get over that. A squirt of wet n' black will make them look good anyways. And Jeremy is doing a transmission flush on my engine. Next month is oil changes for both cars. I am just excited that tires are cheaper than I thought.
My birthday party at my grandmothers is Sunday and its supposed to snow. What are the odds? I have come to discover that my birthday has more potential to suck than it does to be fun...terrible I know. And my husband informed me that 2 tires are for my birthday and 2 tires are for valentines day. So I told him a good husband would also detail my truck inside and out (especially considering that I slipped on the muddy running board and banged my hand this morning.) after he was done getting the tires as a nice valentines day gift. And he has the nerve, the gall, to say to me "Well, when you find a good husband, call me back." Can you believe that?? I am carrying his son. I am giving him the best gift anyone could ever have given him...he is getting an awesome valentines day gift from me that he is going to love, and he says that to me?? I am tempted to take my displeasure out on his playstation.
Well, I am going to go and get my work done...since I can!
I found a place that has my truck tires on sale (okay, okay, Jeremy found them, sheesh.) I am getting 4 brand new Goodyear Wrangler RTS tires, put on the rim and balanced for $394.18! Thats awesome. And then Jeremy wont have to take my truck on base to do it himself. Of course, they wont have the white lettering like I like, but I guess I will have to get over that. A squirt of wet n' black will make them look good anyways. And Jeremy is doing a transmission flush on my engine. Next month is oil changes for both cars. I am just excited that tires are cheaper than I thought.
My birthday party at my grandmothers is Sunday and its supposed to snow. What are the odds? I have come to discover that my birthday has more potential to suck than it does to be fun...terrible I know. And my husband informed me that 2 tires are for my birthday and 2 tires are for valentines day. So I told him a good husband would also detail my truck inside and out (especially considering that I slipped on the muddy running board and banged my hand this morning.) after he was done getting the tires as a nice valentines day gift. And he has the nerve, the gall, to say to me "Well, when you find a good husband, call me back." Can you believe that?? I am carrying his son. I am giving him the best gift anyone could ever have given him...he is getting an awesome valentines day gift from me that he is going to love, and he says that to me?? I am tempted to take my displeasure out on his playstation.
Well, I am going to go and get my work done...since I can!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Arghhhhhhh....
It's wednesday...and today has been just as hard as yesterday...we still haven't got the computers working properly...well, we did, but not the printers. And everyone seems to be on edge, but what a few people don't understand is that we are all in the same boat. And standing in my doorway and shouting at me when you first get here isnt going to make it any better. I don't have the answers, I wish that I did. And even another co-worker who is usually so bubbly and sun-shiney happy is fed up, and thats saying something. No one in here deserves to cop an attitude with anyone else. And there is one major culprit who has a martyr syndrome from hell...volunteers to do something and then fusses about it like there was no choice...well, there was a choice. But now, everyone can kind of get some of their work caught up, and hopefully, frustrations will die down. And just realize, there are others here who arent being crabby to other workers. But I was sick yesterday, and I had no idea what was going on, but if I was mean or cranky to anyone, let me take the time to apologize now. I am sorry and I didnt mean to be. I guess being sick and having certain people yelling in the doorway about how inconvenient this is for them didnt help. But I am truly sorry if I did.
I have an appointment on Feb. 25th to have a prenatal portrait taken with Jeremy at Sears Portrait studio. I am excited. It will probably be the last picture I take before I have him...which hopefully will be sooner then May 14th! I am looking forward to that. Hopefully, they will look good!
Well, I am going to go and file these payables and try to forge ahead with my work...2 more days...
I have an appointment on Feb. 25th to have a prenatal portrait taken with Jeremy at Sears Portrait studio. I am excited. It will probably be the last picture I take before I have him...which hopefully will be sooner then May 14th! I am looking forward to that. Hopefully, they will look good!
Well, I am going to go and file these payables and try to forge ahead with my work...2 more days...
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I picked a good day to be sick!
I picked a good day to be sick, and that is being said in all seriousness. I haven't been feeling well on my stomach, and I didnt sleep last night, so I got in to the office about 9:45 this morning. I felt bad about being late, but I just needed the extra sleep, and I am proud to say that since I have been pregnant, I have only missed one day. I may come in an hour later, but my work is getting done. I get here, and none of the computers are working. Nothing. No email, no internet, no Quickbooks, and whole lot of boredom. I managed to catch up on my filing, and then got a head start on payables. And they will be done before I head home today. So, I am still relatively on schedule for that.
I had the best dream last night, and I am not really sure what made it so nice, other than it was me and Jeremy...it was kind of strange as well...but I guess the weird dreams are part of pregnancy. I just remember waking up and not wanting the dream to be over. Maybe because in the dream Jeremy and I were getting along really well, and things just felt so much more simple. Like in the beginning of our relationship where everyday was a new adventure into figuring out more bits and pieces of eachother. Before marriage and struggle and babies and mortgages and everything else made things so complicated. Not that I would trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes, I guess you have dreams like that to show you just how lucky you really are.
I noticed that some of my recent posts have reflected that my mood has been borderline depression. I guess maybe I stumbled and fell. Kicked right off of my feet here lately with everything else thats going on. And I guess sometimes I am just afraid and I dont feel like being all that tough. But in the end, I manage to pull myself back up and get back on my feet, and I guess that is what really matters. I never stay down for long. I might want to, but I dont.
I guess that maybe I should clarify my work situation. Its not the job that is difficult as much as there are difficult inidividuals, but I am better at ignoring it now then I was a few days ago.
Well, I am going to sign off for the day and finish up these last few payables.
I had the best dream last night, and I am not really sure what made it so nice, other than it was me and Jeremy...it was kind of strange as well...but I guess the weird dreams are part of pregnancy. I just remember waking up and not wanting the dream to be over. Maybe because in the dream Jeremy and I were getting along really well, and things just felt so much more simple. Like in the beginning of our relationship where everyday was a new adventure into figuring out more bits and pieces of eachother. Before marriage and struggle and babies and mortgages and everything else made things so complicated. Not that I would trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes, I guess you have dreams like that to show you just how lucky you really are.
I noticed that some of my recent posts have reflected that my mood has been borderline depression. I guess maybe I stumbled and fell. Kicked right off of my feet here lately with everything else thats going on. And I guess sometimes I am just afraid and I dont feel like being all that tough. But in the end, I manage to pull myself back up and get back on my feet, and I guess that is what really matters. I never stay down for long. I might want to, but I dont.
I guess that maybe I should clarify my work situation. Its not the job that is difficult as much as there are difficult inidividuals, but I am better at ignoring it now then I was a few days ago.
Well, I am going to sign off for the day and finish up these last few payables.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Monday, Monday, Monday!
Today is Monday...that horrible day, that I feel the need to lament about every time this dreadful day rolls around....
Wooooo-Hoooooo, the Steelers won the superbowl, and boy was it close! Jeremy couldnt be happier...he has no voice because he likes to yell at the television through the whole thing...but hes happy! I am just glad its over...hes so serious about his football.
Jeremy and I spent 5 hours on Saturday changing the rooms around, and now the baby's room is ready for Lucas. I am 26 weeks pregnant now, and I am just ready to have him...not so much because I am tired of carrying him, but because I need some time off from my job. I know it wont be a vacation, but I won't be at the office dealing with that...And, I am excited to get to meet him. I have gained 17 pounds so far this pregnancy, and I am a little worried I won't be able to lose the weight after I have him. I have always been self concious about my weight (thank my grandfather for that ultimate hang up...I like hearing I am fat...or that I have big hips...) So, now I am afraid that I will have this baby and find myself fatter than I was before...I dont want to have to worry about it...but the truth is, I have never been confident in my looks and never will be. But mark my words, no one, and I mean NO ONE is going to make my son feel the way I felt growing up. And I am going to work out and try my best to be healthy. I think the doctor sort of made me a little self concious when she made a comment that I had gained 6 pounds, which isnt bad, so to speak, but up until then, I had only gained 4 pounds each month. So, I am not too happy with that.
I have to admit I am pretty fed up with my job. I am not sure if its the commute, which seems to get more and more stressful everyday, or if its just hard because I am pregnant. I am not sure if its issues with people in the office, but I hate the fact that I dread it more and more everyday. I just really do. So, I have to find a way to deal with it or quit. And quitting is not an option. So, I have to figure out where my unhappiness stems from and see if theres a solution or call the doctor and have him up my meds!
Well, I am going to go and finish up the invoicing since they are finally done printing. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and mood for me...
Wooooo-Hoooooo, the Steelers won the superbowl, and boy was it close! Jeremy couldnt be happier...he has no voice because he likes to yell at the television through the whole thing...but hes happy! I am just glad its over...hes so serious about his football.
Jeremy and I spent 5 hours on Saturday changing the rooms around, and now the baby's room is ready for Lucas. I am 26 weeks pregnant now, and I am just ready to have him...not so much because I am tired of carrying him, but because I need some time off from my job. I know it wont be a vacation, but I won't be at the office dealing with that...And, I am excited to get to meet him. I have gained 17 pounds so far this pregnancy, and I am a little worried I won't be able to lose the weight after I have him. I have always been self concious about my weight (thank my grandfather for that ultimate hang up...I like hearing I am fat...or that I have big hips...) So, now I am afraid that I will have this baby and find myself fatter than I was before...I dont want to have to worry about it...but the truth is, I have never been confident in my looks and never will be. But mark my words, no one, and I mean NO ONE is going to make my son feel the way I felt growing up. And I am going to work out and try my best to be healthy. I think the doctor sort of made me a little self concious when she made a comment that I had gained 6 pounds, which isnt bad, so to speak, but up until then, I had only gained 4 pounds each month. So, I am not too happy with that.
I have to admit I am pretty fed up with my job. I am not sure if its the commute, which seems to get more and more stressful everyday, or if its just hard because I am pregnant. I am not sure if its issues with people in the office, but I hate the fact that I dread it more and more everyday. I just really do. So, I have to find a way to deal with it or quit. And quitting is not an option. So, I have to figure out where my unhappiness stems from and see if theres a solution or call the doctor and have him up my meds!
Well, I am going to go and finish up the invoicing since they are finally done printing. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and mood for me...
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Groundhogs day...
Its groundhogs day, and the little fat rodent saw his shadow, so that means 6 more weeks of winter...I predict 2 snow storms this month. 2 of them. Mark my words!
My birthday is 11 days away...its my last birthday as a non-mother. This is the last birthday that wont involve a mini-me. Its strange. I will be 23 and welcoming my baby into the world in another 3 months...interesting...
My last post was kind of a last minute off the top of my head thing. My sister is having issues in her relationship and it stemmed from that. I did talk to Jeremy about that argument, and he had actually forgotten it. He said he knows that I am sorry, and he agreed that sometimes he pushes my buttons too many times before he realizes I am about to blow...and something about I have a temper and I am stubborn...blah, blah...LOL. I tuned him out for that part!
I have always had the same philosophy on love from the day I realized what it was...I think that things are too simple or things are too hard. No one is ever happy with the way things are. We look for the quick fix, we rent because we just may not stick around long enough to own anything. With Jeremy and I, its up and down, we either move the Earth or we are standing on the shakiest ground ever created. We talk about forever when things are okay, and moving out tomorrow if things dont improve. The way I see it, the trouble with love and relationships these days, its just too damn easy to drive away. Because you can. If you have half a tank and half a mind to. The first sign of trouble, first little thing goes wrong, well, just jump in your car and drive until youre gone. But I see it as that what Jeremy and I have is worth the risk...and sometimes I think we can read a promise in every kiss...and in life...you pay for the music, and you do get to dance. So, you have every reason to stay, or go together if you drive away...it's not that big of a chance, huh? Especially when you wake up with that person that you love in the early morning hours and laugh and joke until you get out of bed. Some of our best conservations happen when we first wake up and we are laying there telling eachother dumb jokes, or I am making up little diddies about my kittens...(like..Jinx is like a curse...and I will kill him if he scratches my new purse...) Jeremy thinks its funny that I will sing little jingles at home when the cats commit some heinous crime. So, I make new ones up all the time!
I feel much better about things today...but now I have to get my butt back to work!
My birthday is 11 days away...its my last birthday as a non-mother. This is the last birthday that wont involve a mini-me. Its strange. I will be 23 and welcoming my baby into the world in another 3 months...interesting...
My last post was kind of a last minute off the top of my head thing. My sister is having issues in her relationship and it stemmed from that. I did talk to Jeremy about that argument, and he had actually forgotten it. He said he knows that I am sorry, and he agreed that sometimes he pushes my buttons too many times before he realizes I am about to blow...and something about I have a temper and I am stubborn...blah, blah...LOL. I tuned him out for that part!
I have always had the same philosophy on love from the day I realized what it was...I think that things are too simple or things are too hard. No one is ever happy with the way things are. We look for the quick fix, we rent because we just may not stick around long enough to own anything. With Jeremy and I, its up and down, we either move the Earth or we are standing on the shakiest ground ever created. We talk about forever when things are okay, and moving out tomorrow if things dont improve. The way I see it, the trouble with love and relationships these days, its just too damn easy to drive away. Because you can. If you have half a tank and half a mind to. The first sign of trouble, first little thing goes wrong, well, just jump in your car and drive until youre gone. But I see it as that what Jeremy and I have is worth the risk...and sometimes I think we can read a promise in every kiss...and in life...you pay for the music, and you do get to dance. So, you have every reason to stay, or go together if you drive away...it's not that big of a chance, huh? Especially when you wake up with that person that you love in the early morning hours and laugh and joke until you get out of bed. Some of our best conservations happen when we first wake up and we are laying there telling eachother dumb jokes, or I am making up little diddies about my kittens...(like..Jinx is like a curse...and I will kill him if he scratches my new purse...) Jeremy thinks its funny that I will sing little jingles at home when the cats commit some heinous crime. So, I make new ones up all the time!
I feel much better about things today...but now I have to get my butt back to work!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Theres a line in every relationship...
I am a happily married, soon to be new mother woman. I have been married for a year and half. And I have to say, that I am so thankful that I am out of that new relationship drama!
What is it about relationships that by the time you reach around the 7th or 8th month of it, that both parties feel this insane need to cross lines they shouldnt? When you are dating someone, in the very beginning, you either jump in head first or you toe test the waters. I am not sure that there is an inbetween. And as an outside party to other peoples relationships with one another, I can see where the mishaps and mistakes occur. But beware...eventually, you will either do or say something that for the rest of your life you wish that you could take back.
It is not only mean spirited, but vinidictive to call your ex because things arent going to well in your current relationship, especially when that ex has exhibited pyscho female stalker like behavior. And then dont be surprised when your girlfriend finds out and not only is hurt but livid...you did it, you get to live with the consequences. Trust has to be earned...its not something that should be blindly handed out.
Secondly, watch your other relationships. Just because you dont see something as a threat, doesnt mean that your partner doesnt. You can be secure in your relationship and still not like things that take place between your significant other and someone else. Whether you are jealous or not...work with it.
I have to be the first to commit to my mistake...and I am sure its not the only one I have made, that this very moment stands out. Jeremy and I were really arguing...and I had just had a blood pregnancy test that came back negative. And I guess maybe there was some disappointment there, even though I didnt want to be pregnant. And he and I were just railing at eachother...I mean, white hot anger, yelling and slamming doors...who knows what started it. But I remember that he just kept pushing me and I kept pushing back until finally I lost it and I just yelled at him that I was damn lucky that I wasnt pregnant because I didnt want his baby anyways. And I just remember his face. I saw the intense hurt flash across his face seconds before he left the bedroom. He got his keys and he left. That was the very moment that to this day I wish that I could take back. I am sorry that I said that to him. I remember sitting on the bed feeling like I had been in a physical confrontation and wondering where he went. I crossed that line that I shouldn't of. And it turned out that I was pregnant that night. The test was wrong. And to this day, I am not even sure he has forgiven me for saying that to him. So, I find myself wondering if thats why he is so detached from everything or if its normal guy behavior. Hes not as interested in feeling Lucas kick, and the ultrasounds make him smile, but he doesnt want to show anyone.
Its a shame when I can give someone the relationship advice they need to fix their problems, but I am not even sure where to begin to fix mine. Of course, that happened in August. Jeremy may not even think about it anymore, but I do. What kind of wife will stand there and swear forever, and then just a little over a year later say that she doesnt even want to carry the man she loves child? A sorry one, thats who!
I havent had the guts to talk to him about it yet. Maybe I will tonight. Maybe I won't I apologized and we worked out then...maybe theres no need to drag up the past. Maybe its best to be forgotten.
I dont know...relationships are definitely complicated things...
What is it about relationships that by the time you reach around the 7th or 8th month of it, that both parties feel this insane need to cross lines they shouldnt? When you are dating someone, in the very beginning, you either jump in head first or you toe test the waters. I am not sure that there is an inbetween. And as an outside party to other peoples relationships with one another, I can see where the mishaps and mistakes occur. But beware...eventually, you will either do or say something that for the rest of your life you wish that you could take back.
It is not only mean spirited, but vinidictive to call your ex because things arent going to well in your current relationship, especially when that ex has exhibited pyscho female stalker like behavior. And then dont be surprised when your girlfriend finds out and not only is hurt but livid...you did it, you get to live with the consequences. Trust has to be earned...its not something that should be blindly handed out.
Secondly, watch your other relationships. Just because you dont see something as a threat, doesnt mean that your partner doesnt. You can be secure in your relationship and still not like things that take place between your significant other and someone else. Whether you are jealous or not...work with it.
I have to be the first to commit to my mistake...and I am sure its not the only one I have made, that this very moment stands out. Jeremy and I were really arguing...and I had just had a blood pregnancy test that came back negative. And I guess maybe there was some disappointment there, even though I didnt want to be pregnant. And he and I were just railing at eachother...I mean, white hot anger, yelling and slamming doors...who knows what started it. But I remember that he just kept pushing me and I kept pushing back until finally I lost it and I just yelled at him that I was damn lucky that I wasnt pregnant because I didnt want his baby anyways. And I just remember his face. I saw the intense hurt flash across his face seconds before he left the bedroom. He got his keys and he left. That was the very moment that to this day I wish that I could take back. I am sorry that I said that to him. I remember sitting on the bed feeling like I had been in a physical confrontation and wondering where he went. I crossed that line that I shouldn't of. And it turned out that I was pregnant that night. The test was wrong. And to this day, I am not even sure he has forgiven me for saying that to him. So, I find myself wondering if thats why he is so detached from everything or if its normal guy behavior. Hes not as interested in feeling Lucas kick, and the ultrasounds make him smile, but he doesnt want to show anyone.
Its a shame when I can give someone the relationship advice they need to fix their problems, but I am not even sure where to begin to fix mine. Of course, that happened in August. Jeremy may not even think about it anymore, but I do. What kind of wife will stand there and swear forever, and then just a little over a year later say that she doesnt even want to carry the man she loves child? A sorry one, thats who!
I havent had the guts to talk to him about it yet. Maybe I will tonight. Maybe I won't I apologized and we worked out then...maybe theres no need to drag up the past. Maybe its best to be forgotten.
I dont know...relationships are definitely complicated things...
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