Wow, My maternity leave is over...and I am MIA!

Where in the world did it go??? Have I really been out of work for a little over 2 months? Sadly, its over, all of it, over. I have to return to work. I have to leave Lucas and go to work. Getting up early is going to kill me! Right now, I am used to getting up and watching tv and laying around and all that fun stuff. Now, I have to nurse Lucas and get my butt ready for work and I am working under a time frame. That is going to suck!

Things seem to be going good. Money is so tight it squeaks right now, and I am a little nervous about going almost 2 weeks without any money coming through, but I am sure we will make it through. We always do. While I am venting, I am going to go on ahead and say what has been pissing me off since yesterday. I called the office and spoke with one of my co-workers. And she informed me that a previous co-worker, whose name I will not mention, came in looking for me. And seemed shocked that I wasnt there. This ex-co-worker proceeded to say that she has called me and emailed me numerous times. And just for the record, Jaba the Slut is LYING! AKA: Full of Crappola. She has called me ONCE, numero UNO, on my cellphone, and I'll admit it, I ignored her. Because I am royally pissed at her. She lied to me, she manipulated me and every other person who worked there, and even now, she wont relinquish whatever hold she has on the place. And I swear, if I have to hear her story or any other junk about how she was screwed over slash how badly they treated her slash how happy she is slash how I ignore her slash, I am going to slash my wrists! So, now that that is out in the open I can move on.

I was at the country store today getting my Dad's coffee when this guy starts talking to me. I dont know him, hes older, and I am not that interested in small talk. He asks me how my baby is. He knows I have a baby? Maybe hes been in there when I have had Lucas in there, I dont know. But I talked nice anyways, when what I really wanted to do was stop him before he dipped into his shallow pool of wit and paint him a picture that would save us both the trouble of any further small talk....he was going to remain on the bar stool next to the counter while I paid for my purchase and walked out the door to my truck. And he could pretend that he didnt receive the brush off and go home and make nice with himself, I dont care, but he better not fantasize about me, because even his fantasy of me isnt interested. I swear. Yep, now you know why Jeremy said he didnt want to wake sleeping bitchy this morning!

Well, the next entry I make will be from my desk at work...lets hope I make it there and I dont sleep through my first day back!

Wow...its been awhile since I blogged!

Wow....when was the last time I checked in with everyone?? Gosh, you lose track of time when you aren't at work. Days run together, nights run together, everything runs together.

I have discovered that there are sacrifices that must be made when you become a Mom. Whatever identity you had before the positive sign is gone. You aren't a sexy attractive wife anymore, you arent a professional business woman working her way to a better living...your Mom. Thats it. Just Mom. And I am one of those Mom's where I dont care that Lucas is screaming, I am taking a shower everyday, and I am not lounging around in puke stained clothes, and I have my hair clean and styled and makeup on. I dont care if the dog is the only one to see my effort. But I am slowly becoming my own version of a desparate housewife. Yep. I am desparately wanting to go back to work. How crazy is that?! I miss human contact, and with Jeremy working 2 jobs, hes never home now, and I keep my mouth shut because hes doing what he thinks is best for me and Lucas. I gained a baby and lost a husband. Such a bunch of caca if you ask me.Anyways.
Things are going good on the home front. Missy has her surgery tomorrow and I have to have her to the vets between 7 and 8. Holy crap! Compared to my usual getting up, thats early. Especially since Lucas keeps me up to around 3. I am excited though. I lost 25 pounds (am still fat.) when the doctor weighed me last Friday. I go back tomorrow to see if my stitches are healed. I doubt it. I feel like I still have a golf ball inbetween my legs. Kids hurt. Lucas definitely left a mark on me. And I would like to state that Mrs. Smith is a winch. Jaba the slut makes this awesome blackberry cobbler and I am addicted. I dont even care that it takes 50 minutes to cook. I am fine with waiting. I am surprised I lost ANY weight with that new addiction. (Just for the record, I am sure Mrs. Smith is a lovely woman who does not deserve my petty name calling, but its certainly not MY fault that I have NO will power, is it?)

Well, thats enough of my rambling, this is probably the most boring entry I have ever made...until tomorrow when I update about my appointment...I am going to go watch something on tv. And eat blackberry cobbler. With Hersheys vanilla ice cream...

Just a nightly update...

I actually feel a little silly right now. I really think I feel alone, and thats not true, I know. But I am the kind of person that needs to be happy in all aspects of life, and when I am not happy in one, it sucks whatever happiness I have in the others out and leaves everything feeling just a little empty. And I am not sure how to fix it. But I can't keep losing sleep over it either. My mind just wont stop racing, and if I had just a few hours to sort it out. I can't be this unsturdy. I kind of feel like this is over my head, but underneath my feet, and I am sure that by tomorrow morning I'll have it figured out. But until then, I just hope that someone catches me if I fall out of what I fell in, and not be surprised if I collapse down on the floor again. I am sure that makes no sense to anyone reading this, but it makes absolute sense to me. So, here I am, blogging, when I should be sleeping. Ms. Charlotte died on Monday, and I went to her funeral today. I felt strange because try as hard as I might, I couldnt cry. It makes me wonder if she was there willing me not to. And I know one thing is for certain, she looked at peace lying there, and thats what she needed. And I am going to miss her stories and everything, but shes somewhere better now. And thats good for her. Lucas had his hearing test today and passed. My son isnt deaf. I think little Missy's cancer is back, and that just devestates me. I save these animals and then they die anyways. No, she isnt dead yet, but I fear its coming if we havent caught the cancer in time. I cant take another death, human or animal right now. God, first Bailey, and then Ms. Charlotte, and now maybe Missy, and Jeremy is so unhappy he cant stand it. I just feel like everything is falling apart, and I dont know how to fix it. I have got to get bed...Lucas is crying, and Jeremy is probably wondering where I am. I will get through this...

Time is flying by...

Tomorrow will be one month since Lucas was born. A whole month...how crazy is that? It seems like just yesterday that I was pregnant, waiting for him to be born!

Hes laughing more now, and he holds his head up, and he grins and he can almost roll onto his side...hes so cute, but of course, I am biased. And I am cherishing every cuddle that I get with him. Jeremy fusses at me for holding him so much, and letting him sleep with me sometimes. But I figure he'll be sleeping in his own bed by the time he goes to college, so why not indulge MY need to cuddle? I am banking them for when I go back to work.

Saturday morning was the first time I have lost my temper with Jeremy since I had Lucas. In the beginning, he shared in the sleepless nights, but Lucas has been a good baby, and its rare that hes up all night. But when hes up, hes up. So, after Jeremy went back to work, I took on the nights so he could sleep, of course, I can sleep a little later. And yes I am breastfeeding, but I pump it into bottles, so Jeremy can give me a break on the weekends. Well, apparently, I needed to TELL Jeremy my expectations. So, Saturday morning, I did not get to sleep until 3:30 almost 4. At 7, Lucas is SCREAMING. I hear Jeremy get out of the bed, so I am like, oh, hes wonderful. Hes going to get the bottle warmed up, and help me out. I change Lucas' diaper. Boy, was I WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong, WWWWRRRRROOOONNNNGGG. He gets up, pees, and comes back to bed. No bottle. No nothing. So, I get out of bed. And I leave Lucas in there to continue to scream. I put the bottle in the warmer and wait. The louder Lucas screams, the louder Jeremy snores...now, I am pissed. This is ridiculous. I take that warmed up bottle, stomp, yes STOMP, back to the bedroom and shove him as hard as I could. He rolls over and looks at me and I yelled, "Are you going to feed your son so that I can go pump?!" And he really didnt get a choice, because I slammed the bottle on his chest and walked out. If he hadnt of grabbed it, the precious breast milk would have spilled all over him. I was livid. I dont wake up in the morning and decide to be a bitch. But he just pushed my bitch button, and that was all she wrote. I pumped another bottle, and went back to bed, and he didnt say much to me...what could he say? His petite, understanding and caring wife, turned into wifezilla in a blink of an eye! Now I understand why praying mantises bite the heads off their mates after they impregnate her. Why keep them around? All they'll do is piss you off and get in the way! Anyways, I havent lived it down yet, despite, my 1,000 apologies. Hopefully, he'll forget it and we can move on...until I do something else ridiculously rash!

Well, I am signing off now so I can go eat dinner...until the next time...

If ignorance is bliss....

Then why am I hurting?? Let me explain...now that I am moving into day 182 of sleep deprivation, I have suddenly re-discovered my klumsy gene...as I moved through the kitchen of my parents house, I managed to trip over the partition keeping Maverick in the den and kitchen, knocked it over, it knocked the bar stool over and onto my back, and I landed on my wrist funny, and hurt my ankle. Could I be any more ignorant?? I guess I cant lift my leg as high as I needed to due to my stitches...I swear. I hope Lucas skips the idiot gene...because I am ate up with it.

It is once again, 2 degrees hotter than hell, and my father managed to get galvanize poisoning, so hes sick as sick can be, and I am here keeping vigilant until Mom comes to relieve me. Then I have to take care of things at home, and then come back to help with dinner. I am worried about him, because hes swollen in places. He'll be seeing the doctor tomorrow. I guess when he and Jeremy were changing out the thermostat for his air conditioner in the house, the pipes had galvanize on them, and hes having a bad reaction. And Jeremy tried to get him to cover his mouth and nose with a wash cloth, but I got my stubborn gene from somewhere, and I am sure you can guess from who...hes had this before when he was pipefitting in the shipyard.

Lucas is such a charming little fella, that he allowed me to see what 4 am looks like...and nare a wink of sleep did I get. The dear. Other than that hes fine...we are still breastfeeding...so woo-hoo! I am proud of myself. But right now, I have laundry calling my name, and I need to pump...until tomorrow...