Have you ever wondered what kind of animal your child would be? I imagine Lucas would be a giraffe. He has to be vertical, the higher he is, the better he is. In his ideal world, I would always be standing, holding him upright so that he can see everything. And he is starting to develop this need to do some things himself. Like feeding him his nightly ration of rice cereal. Nothing would do him but to hold the spoon himself. If I took it from him to replenish the cereal supply, he screamed bloody murder until I felt awful that his blue eyes were full of tears because of something I did. Then, I spend the next 20 minutes trying to avoid him losing his eye because he loves to stick things in his eye with his mean little hands.
Tonight is Halloween and I am taking Lucas to the Harvest Carnival at church. I know, hes only 6 months, but he can still go and participate in some of the infant activities they have set up. Plus, I can get my pictures for the scrapbook. I am looking forward to it. Hes so much more aware of things and because of that, I think that he will enjoy this adventure.
Things have pretty much been fine. Lucas did get his first goose egg yesterday. I was a little upset, not because he bumped his head, but because of the reaction. You know that when your child starts sitting up on his own and crawling, that hes gonna bump his head. And you expect that. But its a little unnerving when one person blames the other. I dont know. Hes okay, bless Jesus and the shepards in the field.
Well, I will post after the Harvest Carnival. I am going as a princess!!!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
If You Ever Did Believe
I have to apologize for not posting sooner then today. It seems that since I took this new position that I am always busy. So, my time is gone before I ever even knew it started.
Since we are on the work topic, I might as well start there. Work seems to be going good. And its challenging me to learn new stuff that was once outside of my realm. I was a little nervous about it at first, but now, I am just jumping in all the way. We'll see how this pans out.
Now, on to the home front....being married is the hardest thing short of raising a child that I have ever and will ever do. It takes every ounce of me to stick with it and try to make it work. I grew up being criticized about my weight by my grandfather. And because of that, when someone starts criticizing me, I automatically throw up walls to protect me. My self esteem sucks because of that. So, here lately, Jeremy hasn't been himself. And he wont talk to me. And when he does, hes angry. So, the other day, he told me that he feels like he does everything. And that hit me really hard. Especially since I am taking Lucas wherever he needs to go, picking him up, doing the grocery shopping and taking care of Lucas when we get home at night among other things. So, whats the big deal if you have to cook dinner and wash the dishes? I just dont get it. After he yelled me and wouldnt let me leave, I hurled the cordless phone at him and it hit the door and broke and scattered into a billion pieces down the hall. The sad thing is, I was aiming for his big ol' hard head. In the end I think we managed to work it out. At least for now. I pretty much told him that I was tired of him acknowledging what I dont do and ignoring what I do. I never hear, "Hey Baby, thanks for making sure our beautiful son is taken care during the day so that I have a worry free day at work." or "Thanks for bringing him home, doing the shopping, taking care of the finances, and everything else." All the negativity really does start to bring me down after awhile. We have certainly made a mess of things. So, we are now trying to rebuild what we had.
I have a new little addition: His name his Julien, and hes Mavericks litter mate. And I love him. He is helping to heal my broken heart. Hes so cute and plushy. And Bjourne likes him because he doesnt threaten Bjournes status. Granted, I still look for Samantha. But I am doing okay with it. I gave her the final act of kindness and thats all that I could do. I have decided that I am done taking in animals for awhile. So, I have what I have.
Lucas, God love him! Hes growing up so fast! He laughs at things now. He thinks its great when I am holding him, and I am behind him, and I get really close and whisper in his ear to sing pretty songs. It really cracks him up! His smile is beautiful. Its like that Joni Mitchell song. I could drink a case of Lucas and still be on my feet. But its the cute ones that have tempers. He gets so angry if toys dont do what he thinks they should do. He'll start screaming at them and flinging them. Its cute. Hes starting to like being naked more. Now, when you go to change his diaper, he rolls over. He cant crawl just yet, so he just kind of lays there, on his stomach pushing him self up, trying to figure out just exactly how to get where he wants to go. He has also discovered he has a penis. I dread the day the questions start coming. With the fun cute stuff comes the bad stuff. He has fluid in his ears and hes been congested and snotty since our vacation the end of August. With it comes fussy nights and no sleep. And I want to know who invented sleepwear for kids. Who in their right mind seriously thinks that at 2:30 in the morning, when your eyes are still full of sleep and you changed a wet diaper, you can really button 2 gazillion little snaps while the child screams bloody murder? Havent they ever heard of velcro?? Tylenol is another one on my hit list. Their "use-the-enclosed-dropper-only" instructions are crazy. That dropper is the most annoying one I have used so far. You have to shake the tylenol cold medicine, then you open it and because its now 2:45 in the morning, you just want to medicate the child and go to bed, you stuff the dropper in it and it bubbles out the top and down the side of the bottle. What the hell? Cant we come up with a better dropper? If we can send people into space, why the hell cant we invent a more useful tool?? Finally, I get Lucas his medicine and give him boobs. They really are great things. No bottles to mess with. Just pull the bra down and feed the kid until he shuts up. I know that sounds ugly but by 3 in the morning, I am feeling pretty damn ugly. So, I get back to bed and its 3:30 and I just tuck him in next me and we sleep for the next 2 hours together. By 5:30 when I am washing my face, hes in his bouncer seat just cooing and laughing. Thats why they are so cute, so you can forget how evil they can be at night. I swear, there have been nights that I wonder if he is possessed by more than just fluid in his ears. But, I am trying to be patient because he is in pain. He can start to have solid food next month....rock on! I can't wait to let him start trying new things. Here he is at his 4 month pictures. He really is a cutie. I guess soon I will have to get him a high chair. Well, until the next time....
Since we are on the work topic, I might as well start there. Work seems to be going good. And its challenging me to learn new stuff that was once outside of my realm. I was a little nervous about it at first, but now, I am just jumping in all the way. We'll see how this pans out.
Now, on to the home front....being married is the hardest thing short of raising a child that I have ever and will ever do. It takes every ounce of me to stick with it and try to make it work. I grew up being criticized about my weight by my grandfather. And because of that, when someone starts criticizing me, I automatically throw up walls to protect me. My self esteem sucks because of that. So, here lately, Jeremy hasn't been himself. And he wont talk to me. And when he does, hes angry. So, the other day, he told me that he feels like he does everything. And that hit me really hard. Especially since I am taking Lucas wherever he needs to go, picking him up, doing the grocery shopping and taking care of Lucas when we get home at night among other things. So, whats the big deal if you have to cook dinner and wash the dishes? I just dont get it. After he yelled me and wouldnt let me leave, I hurled the cordless phone at him and it hit the door and broke and scattered into a billion pieces down the hall. The sad thing is, I was aiming for his big ol' hard head. In the end I think we managed to work it out. At least for now. I pretty much told him that I was tired of him acknowledging what I dont do and ignoring what I do. I never hear, "Hey Baby, thanks for making sure our beautiful son is taken care during the day so that I have a worry free day at work." or "Thanks for bringing him home, doing the shopping, taking care of the finances, and everything else." All the negativity really does start to bring me down after awhile. We have certainly made a mess of things. So, we are now trying to rebuild what we had.
I have a new little addition: His name his Julien, and hes Mavericks litter mate. And I love him. He is helping to heal my broken heart. Hes so cute and plushy. And Bjourne likes him because he doesnt threaten Bjournes status. Granted, I still look for Samantha. But I am doing okay with it. I gave her the final act of kindness and thats all that I could do. I have decided that I am done taking in animals for awhile. So, I have what I have.
Lucas, God love him! Hes growing up so fast! He laughs at things now. He thinks its great when I am holding him, and I am behind him, and I get really close and whisper in his ear to sing pretty songs. It really cracks him up! His smile is beautiful. Its like that Joni Mitchell song. I could drink a case of Lucas and still be on my feet. But its the cute ones that have tempers. He gets so angry if toys dont do what he thinks they should do. He'll start screaming at them and flinging them. Its cute. Hes starting to like being naked more. Now, when you go to change his diaper, he rolls over. He cant crawl just yet, so he just kind of lays there, on his stomach pushing him self up, trying to figure out just exactly how to get where he wants to go. He has also discovered he has a penis. I dread the day the questions start coming. With the fun cute stuff comes the bad stuff. He has fluid in his ears and hes been congested and snotty since our vacation the end of August. With it comes fussy nights and no sleep. And I want to know who invented sleepwear for kids. Who in their right mind seriously thinks that at 2:30 in the morning, when your eyes are still full of sleep and you changed a wet diaper, you can really button 2 gazillion little snaps while the child screams bloody murder? Havent they ever heard of velcro?? Tylenol is another one on my hit list. Their "use-the-enclosed-dropper-only" instructions are crazy. That dropper is the most annoying one I have used so far. You have to shake the tylenol cold medicine, then you open it and because its now 2:45 in the morning, you just want to medicate the child and go to bed, you stuff the dropper in it and it bubbles out the top and down the side of the bottle. What the hell? Cant we come up with a better dropper? If we can send people into space, why the hell cant we invent a more useful tool?? Finally, I get Lucas his medicine and give him boobs. They really are great things. No bottles to mess with. Just pull the bra down and feed the kid until he shuts up. I know that sounds ugly but by 3 in the morning, I am feeling pretty damn ugly. So, I get back to bed and its 3:30 and I just tuck him in next me and we sleep for the next 2 hours together. By 5:30 when I am washing my face, hes in his bouncer seat just cooing and laughing. Thats why they are so cute, so you can forget how evil they can be at night. I swear, there have been nights that I wonder if he is possessed by more than just fluid in his ears. But, I am trying to be patient because he is in pain. He can start to have solid food next month....rock on! I can't wait to let him start trying new things. Here he is at his 4 month pictures. He really is a cutie. I guess soon I will have to get him a high chair. Well, until the next time....
Monday, October 02, 2006
So, It's been a little while
Its been a little while since I last posted. And I think part of it has been because I have engaged myself in some deep soul searching.
My last post was informing everyone about Rayne. Well, that Tuesday, I had dropped Lucas off at the babysitters and headed into work. A proceeded to get pulled by a cop. I was doing 37 miles per hour, so I didnt understand why he was pulling me. The speed limit is 35. Apparently, I was wrong. The speed limit is actually 25 and it isnt marked. So, I plan on going to court on the 16th of this month and fighting it. I will let you know how that turns out. That afternoon, I took Samantha to the vet. I waited and waited and waited. And the vet came in, I told him how she had been attacked, and he opened her mouth to take a look. He had this look on his face. Like, he couldnt believe what he was seeing. He wanted me to look, but I couldnt. So, he showed Daddy. And he said he didnt think a dog could have done that. He took her to the back and Daddy told me it looked like a tumor in her mouth. Dr. Birdsall came back in and said that she had one of three types of cancer, and that all three were extemely malignant and deadly. And that it was a cancer of the blood vessels and that it had spread down her throat and was in her lungs. He said she couldnt hardly breathe and she was blue in some of her extremities. And I knew what he was asking me. And I just said, you want me to give you permission to put my baby to sleep? And he said that they couldnt do anything for her. So, I told him to do it. He left, and the nurse came in with the euthanasia record and told me to just sign it, she would fill it out. And I said no, she was mine, and I would see it through. So, I filled it out. And Dr. Birdsall brought her back in. I asked him not to do it in front me. I pet her and kissed her, and told that we loved her. And she looked like she was at peace. Like she knew I was helping her. I kissed her one last time, and he took her in the back. He brought back to me just a few minutes later, in this really nice blanket with a bow on it. And he hugged me and told me I did the right thing that she would have suffered. And he told me that if it was any consolation, the dog never left a mark on her. That she had survived that fight without injury. But when she fell trying to get away, the tumor ruptured. And thats why she couldnt close her mouth. And that it was for the best so that she didnt suffer. I had her 17 years. She was there for everything. My first boyfriend, my first broken heart. Her fur caught my tears as I worried about everything. She loved me no matter what. She adjusted to moving twice. She adapted to no longer being the only cat. She somewhat accepted Bjourne. So, I had to love her back and unselfishly let her go. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I never thought I would be in that place. It was almost someone elses life. I wish it were a lie. At least this way, I got to say goodbye. But its still hard. I can hear her purring in the dark, sometimes, I can even feel her, but daylight chases the ghost. I see her picture and I fall apart. I guess its those hints of her I am clinging to because I need them the most right now. And its the hardest thing. I wanted to chase after her, to change my mind. But I couldnt. I know, it will get easier. But its still so hard right now.
Lucas is doing good: except for the fact that he has fluid in his middle ear. Its not infected, but its causing him some pain. So, he likes to wake me up every 2 hours. I am so tired anymore. But hes growing like a weed, and he still has a beautiful smile, and hes worth every second of discomfort I may have. I love him, and I have no regrets. I couldnt imagine my life without him.
Jeremy is good. I am not sure we are. It seems like everytime I get handle on it, something happens. I know I have been down lately. But, I cant help it. Hes been off too. I just figure its a phase. And we'll hopefully get past it. I have hinted broadly that we need some us time. And I even helped him out on how to plan it. But apparently, it didnt penetrate his thick head. He still doesnt get it. I dont know. Part of me wants to say if he doesnt care then I dont care. But thats not the answer either. Thats what will end this. The I dont care factor. But I do care. I care a whole hell of a lot. But its hard to find the strength to fight a battle you dont feel like being in. I dont know. I'll just keep making him talk to me, and vice-versa, and we will hope for the best.
Until the next time I blog!
My last post was informing everyone about Rayne. Well, that Tuesday, I had dropped Lucas off at the babysitters and headed into work. A proceeded to get pulled by a cop. I was doing 37 miles per hour, so I didnt understand why he was pulling me. The speed limit is 35. Apparently, I was wrong. The speed limit is actually 25 and it isnt marked. So, I plan on going to court on the 16th of this month and fighting it. I will let you know how that turns out. That afternoon, I took Samantha to the vet. I waited and waited and waited. And the vet came in, I told him how she had been attacked, and he opened her mouth to take a look. He had this look on his face. Like, he couldnt believe what he was seeing. He wanted me to look, but I couldnt. So, he showed Daddy. And he said he didnt think a dog could have done that. He took her to the back and Daddy told me it looked like a tumor in her mouth. Dr. Birdsall came back in and said that she had one of three types of cancer, and that all three were extemely malignant and deadly. And that it was a cancer of the blood vessels and that it had spread down her throat and was in her lungs. He said she couldnt hardly breathe and she was blue in some of her extremities. And I knew what he was asking me. And I just said, you want me to give you permission to put my baby to sleep? And he said that they couldnt do anything for her. So, I told him to do it. He left, and the nurse came in with the euthanasia record and told me to just sign it, she would fill it out. And I said no, she was mine, and I would see it through. So, I filled it out. And Dr. Birdsall brought her back in. I asked him not to do it in front me. I pet her and kissed her, and told that we loved her. And she looked like she was at peace. Like she knew I was helping her. I kissed her one last time, and he took her in the back. He brought back to me just a few minutes later, in this really nice blanket with a bow on it. And he hugged me and told me I did the right thing that she would have suffered. And he told me that if it was any consolation, the dog never left a mark on her. That she had survived that fight without injury. But when she fell trying to get away, the tumor ruptured. And thats why she couldnt close her mouth. And that it was for the best so that she didnt suffer. I had her 17 years. She was there for everything. My first boyfriend, my first broken heart. Her fur caught my tears as I worried about everything. She loved me no matter what. She adjusted to moving twice. She adapted to no longer being the only cat. She somewhat accepted Bjourne. So, I had to love her back and unselfishly let her go. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I never thought I would be in that place. It was almost someone elses life. I wish it were a lie. At least this way, I got to say goodbye. But its still hard. I can hear her purring in the dark, sometimes, I can even feel her, but daylight chases the ghost. I see her picture and I fall apart. I guess its those hints of her I am clinging to because I need them the most right now. And its the hardest thing. I wanted to chase after her, to change my mind. But I couldnt. I know, it will get easier. But its still so hard right now.
Lucas is doing good: except for the fact that he has fluid in his middle ear. Its not infected, but its causing him some pain. So, he likes to wake me up every 2 hours. I am so tired anymore. But hes growing like a weed, and he still has a beautiful smile, and hes worth every second of discomfort I may have. I love him, and I have no regrets. I couldnt imagine my life without him.
Jeremy is good. I am not sure we are. It seems like everytime I get handle on it, something happens. I know I have been down lately. But, I cant help it. Hes been off too. I just figure its a phase. And we'll hopefully get past it. I have hinted broadly that we need some us time. And I even helped him out on how to plan it. But apparently, it didnt penetrate his thick head. He still doesnt get it. I dont know. Part of me wants to say if he doesnt care then I dont care. But thats not the answer either. Thats what will end this. The I dont care factor. But I do care. I care a whole hell of a lot. But its hard to find the strength to fight a battle you dont feel like being in. I dont know. I'll just keep making him talk to me, and vice-versa, and we will hope for the best.
Until the next time I blog!
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