Since we are on the work topic, I might as well start there. Work seems to be going good. And its challenging me to learn new stuff that was once outside of my realm. I was a little nervous about it at first, but now, I am just jumping in all the way. We'll see how this pans out.
Now, on to the home front....being married is the hardest thing short of raising a child that I have ever and will ever do. It takes every ounce of me to stick with it and try to make it work. I grew up being criticized about my weight by my grandfather. And because of that, when someone starts criticizing me, I automatically throw up walls to protect me. My self esteem sucks because of that. So, here lately, Jeremy hasn't been himself. And he wont talk to me. And when he does, hes angry. So, the other day, he told me that he feels like he does everything. And that hit me really hard. Especially since I am taking Lucas wherever he needs to go, picking him up, doing the grocery shopping and taking care of Lucas when we get home at night among other things. So, whats the big deal if you have to cook dinner and wash the dishes? I just dont get it. After he yelled me and wouldnt let me leave, I hurled the cordless phone at him and it hit the door and broke and scattered into a billion pieces down the hall. The sad thing is, I was aiming for his big ol' hard head. In the end I think we managed to work it out. At least for now. I pretty much told him that I was tired of him acknowledging what I dont do and ignoring what I do. I never hear, "Hey Baby, thanks for making sure our beautiful son is taken care during the day so that I have a worry free day at work." or "Thanks for bringing him home, doing the shopping, taking care of the finances, and everything else." All the negativity really does start to bring me down after awhile. We have certainly made a mess of things. So, we are now trying to rebuild what we had.
I have a new little addition: His name his Julien, and hes Mavericks litter mate. And I love him. He is helping to heal my broken heart. Hes so cute and plushy. And Bjourne likes him because he doesnt threaten Bjournes status. Granted, I still look for Samantha. But I am doing okay with it. I gave her the final act of kindness and thats all that I could do. I have decided that I am done taking in animals for awhile. So, I have what I have.
Lucas, God love him! Hes growing up so fast! He laughs at things now. He thinks its great when I am holding him, and I am behind him, and I get really close and whisper in his ear to sing pretty songs. It really cracks him up! His smile is beautiful. Its like that Joni Mitchell song. I could drink a case of Lucas and still be on my feet. But its the cute ones that have tempers. He gets so angry if toys dont do what he thinks they should do. He'll start screaming at them and flinging them. Its cute. Hes starting to like being naked more. Now, when you go to change his diaper, he rolls over. He cant crawl just yet, so he just kind of lays there, on his stomach pushing him self up, trying to figure out just exactly how to get where he wants to go. He has also discovered he has a penis. I dread the day the questions start coming. With the fun cute stuff comes the bad stuff. He has fluid in his ears and hes been congested and snotty since our vacation the end of August. With it comes fussy nights and no sleep. And I want to know who invented sleepwear for kids. Who in their right mind seriously thinks that at 2:30 in the morning, when your eyes are still full of sleep and you changed a wet diaper, you can really button 2 gazillion little snaps while the child screams bloody murder? Havent they ever heard of velcro?? Tylenol is another one on my hit list. Their "use-the-enclosed-dropper-only" instructions are crazy. That dropper is the most annoying one I have used so far. You have to shake the tylenol cold medicine, then you open it and because its now 2:45 in the morning, you just want to medicate the child and go to bed, you stuff the dropper in it and it bubbles out the top and down the side of the bottle. What the hell? Cant we come up with a better dropper? If we can send people into space, why the hell cant we invent a more useful tool?? Finally, I get Lucas his medicine and give him boobs. They really are great things. No bottles to mess with. Just pull the bra down and feed the kid until he shuts up. I know that sounds ugly but by 3 in the morning, I am feeling pretty damn ugly. So, I get back to bed and its 3:30 and I just tuck him in next me and we sleep for the next 2 hours together. By 5:30 when I am washing my face, hes in his bouncer seat just cooing and laughing. Thats why they are so cute, so you can forget how evil they can be at night. I swear, there have been nights that I wonder if he is possessed by more than just fluid in his ears. But, I am trying to be patient because he is in pain. He can start to have solid food next month....rock on! I can't wait to let him start trying new things. Here he is at his 4 month pictures. He really is a cutie. I guess soon I will have to get him a high chair. Well, until the next time....
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