I have been off work for almost 1 week....

And its killing! KILLING me!

I am so bored, and I miss human contact now more than ever. I had planned to go up to work to have lunch today, but I last night was the first night I actually got sleep that I slept through lunch. Sorry guys. I wanted to come see everyone, but its hard.

I had my doctors appointment yesterday, and I have stopped gaining weight, and when she went to feel my cervix, she got the very tip of her fingers in and poked Little Lucas' head. And he kicked me for it...some kind of reward, huh? And the doctor is like, "you arent dialated, but hes RIGHT THERE, I cant believe you arent in labor!" Yeah? Me too. I am not feeling very "bumpalicious" here. I am feeling miserable. Lets define miserable: Miserable is no sleep at night, your husband tells you sit up when you choke on acid in the middle of the night, your feet hurt, and at any minute you are pretty certain that a little infant foot is going to come flying out of your "woo-woo." It sucks. And of course, doctors wont begin to guess as to how far labor is because "babies make a liar out of you everytime." I am so frustrated.

And I am about to kill Jeremy. He has been so grumpy this whole week. Its like, hes decided, you're home, you get to eat bon bons and put your feet up and I get to come home and be a grumpy little bitchmonkey. Which I told him. So, hes straightened up some. Good thing. He was about to find himself in a world of hurt!

Let me tell you about my purse search. As most women know, when you find that PERFECT purse, you have found that perfect purse. And it just fits. Well, I found mine 2 weeks ago. It was a black bag by XOXO in the love letters design. Yes, XOXO is right up there with Dooney and Burke and Nine West, so the bags arent cheap, but they are worth every penny. Then I discover that they have this same purse in white. Well, I want it. I want the white for summer and spring and the black for fall and winter. And Jeremy just rags me bad about it. And I keep trying to explain to him that finding the perfect purse is like finding the perfect man. It takes a few dozen to find one you just love, that just fits you and you can appreciate it. Well, I couldnt find the white one. Turns out my sister had it and didnt like it, and I have it now. I have the most perfect purse there could ever be. And almost had to divorce my husband over it.

Well, its 8 and ghost whisperer is coming on, and I have to go get dinner started. Talk to you guys soon!

Day 2 of Maternity Leave....

I wanted to blog yesterday, but unfortunately, I never got to that point!

I am having a little bit of a hard time adjusting to this home stuff. I think its because I have difficulty sleeping at night. If I lay on my back, my heart pounds like crazy and I almost feel faint. If I lay on my left side, my hand and fingers go numb, and if I lay on my right side, my hip hurts. So, I cant get comfortable until Jeremy goes to work.

Yesterday, I washed outfits for little Lucas and had Maverick...he decided he was going to roll himself in a mudhole, and then I had to give him a bath. That was great training for when Lucas is here. I couldnt leave the room without him crying, I couldnt do anything unless I knew where he was...it was insane!

Today was a little less busy...I was woken up a little before 8 by what I perceived to be voices. At first it took me a minute to realize that the tv was on. I thought Jeremy had stayed home...nope. Somehow, the cats turned on the tv and Muffin was watching the tv. I fed them and went back to bed and got some of the best sleep I could have gotten. I finally got up at 2 and ran my errands and here I am, at 6:20, home and not stressed about traffic. Its awesome.

We are on baby watch...so far, nothing. No bloody show, no false contractions. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever come out, or will I just be pregnant forever. Right, now, there isnt any end in sight. I have had some sharp pains in my...uh...crotch area...I am hoping this is a good sign. Although, I worry that I wont know when labor has actually started. I guess I will just "know".

Well, I am going to go feed my cats before they head butt this monitor right through the wall. I hope all is well with everyone else...and keep your fingers crossed that Lucas makes his appearance sooner rather than later!

And then there was a funeral procession...

Today has just been a mess! Well, a mess I created anyways...I woke up late, because I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. You would think that on my last week of work before I have this baby that I could make that extra effort to get up and get there on time, but no such luck. Effort stops the second I hit the bed! Even dinner doesnt stand a chance, hence our meal last night of the McDonalds latest. I feel awful and I keep telling myself tomorrow I will cook, but these IOU's tend to go uncollected.

I went to my doctors appointment this afternoon and got stuck by a funeral procession. I kept trying to hint to Jeremy that he should get in the right lane to guarantee that we could get to the hospital, but he refused to get over saying at first, it was illegal to break a funeral procession (well, people do it.) and then refusing because it was wrong. I said a prayer for the departed soul, told Jeremy they were being rocked in the sweet arms of Jesus, Amen, now please, put on your blinkers and jump in. Of course, he wouldnt. So, I had 8 minutes to waddle across 3 parking lots (expectant mother parking is for old men without handicap stickers. Not a damn space has a pregnant woman parked in it. What a joke.) And then he cant remember if he locked the car, so, he has to walk back over there and check the car. Then we get inside and I get in the elevator and start pounding on the "closed door" button because I wanted to be alone in the elevator with my husband. I get up to the doctors office and they inform me that my check up doctor is delivering a baby, but the lady is pushing, so he shouldnt be much longer. I said, let me see whoever is available, dont rush the doctor. My blood pressure was up. Jeremy told me I was being evil, and I threw my shoes at him. The doctor came in and checked me and everything was fine, she wanted to know if I had made a decision on birth control...abso-freaking-lutely...he isnt getting any. EVER. Hows that for birth control? It wont happen...because I still have needs, so I guess I'll take a pill. Whatever. They said the heat could have something to do with my blood pressure being up (or maybe the drive over?) But when you work in an office that is hovering around 2 degrees below Hell, what do you expect?

I was thinking about what characteristics Lucas may end up sharing with other members of my family. Like Jeremy and Daddy for instance: "Why talk when you can yell?" seems to be their credo. Everything from "Honey..poUR ME A DRIIIIINNNNNNK!" to "Diane! I need some more COFFEE!" is shouted, even when I'm standing right next to them. There's no such thing as an "inside voice" for those two — they're strictly outdoor men. I keep reminding them to turn down the volume, but after talking normal for a few words they crank their voice right back up to a heavy-metal screech. I wonder if Lucas will have that characteristic, his motto being, I may be little, but you will NOT ignore me! And I notice that my father really doesnt have a lot of patience anymore. Maybe because he is 5 days shy of 50, maybe because he is sick and even though he doesnt show it, its still there. But I reminded him the other day when he was fussing at Maverick that he would not have the option to pull Lucas' ears back until the whites of his eyes showed and threaten to roll him in a mudhole. He doesnt hurt the dog, its more amusing than anything, honestly, but he assured me he would try to control my son in the same manner. Right. Grandparents dont discipline. Thats why they are grandparents.

My house is awful. Its cluttered and just downright embarrassing. I just havent had time or the stamina to keep up with the ever mounting amount of work. There are baby gifts everywhere. Not that I am not grateful because I am, but I just havent had time to put it all away. My room has clothes scattered all over it. This morning, I went in the closet to get some of my sleeveless maternity tops out, and saw my old gap jeans. I cant believe my ass was ever that small. And it never will be again. With tears in my eyes and an exasperated look, I slammed the closet door. I know I am pregnant. I know things will change. But I am kidding myself if I think I will ever be like I was before, and I thought I was fat then. I have to work on that when I am able. I keep telling myself that I will be able to do it. But deep down I am just not sure.

Bjourne has been testing my patience lately too. And usually, I am really patient with him, but recently, hes started this new thing where when you tell him no to stop doing something, he repeats the offense in slow motion as if its charming. Whether its eating Mavericks puppy chow, stealing Mavericks treat because he inhaled his, stomping Maverick or hitting people (yes my dog hits.) he keeps doing it. The other night, I just snapped. I yelled at him: "Bjourne, how many times do I have to tell you to STOP SITTING ON THE PUPPY, DAMNIT!" And he looked at me with this look like he couldnt believe that I used THAT tone with THAT language directed towards him, and then just flopped on the ground. He avoided me for the rest of the night and most of the next morning. And I felt awful, because while I was frustrated with him, my reaction gave away that I obviously had I little more anger than I realized. So, I am working on that.

Well, I need to finish this work I have here....one more day...

Has it really been over a week?

Wow. Has it really been a week since I last posted? I feel like its been forever. And I am ashamed at my lack of enthusiasm to blog period. Things have been so crazy and complicated above all else. I am 3 days away from maternity leave, and it feels like 3 years. Everyday I get more tired and more aggarvated with everything. I mean everything it doesnt matter what it is: the swiffer mop, not being able to open my mixed hersheys egg, the loss of the mirror on my truck...its all the same...I end up ticked over it!

We are still working with Maverick to housetrain him, and its really not working as well as I hoped it would. Moms frustrated, Dads frustrated, and Maverick doesnt understand what hes doing wrong. I wait outside with him, hoping the potty muse will inspire Mavericks first real masterpiece, but these things cant be rushed you know. I am even making up potty songs for this puppy. Sometimes, I feel like Obi-Wan Kenobi...somewhat invisible because his head is buried in a leaf pile or in the grass, but still a powerful mentor...Just use the force, Maverick. And I find myself wondering: is this what it will be like with Lucas? Sitting in the bathroom with him and hoping for the best? Singing potty songs and making small talk? Or will I be one of those parents with the screaming toddler in the bathroom, swearing they didnt have to go, but they had already gone in their pants? Its a little disturbing. At this point, I guess I should concentrate on labor and delivery, huh?

I am in the home stretch of my pregnancy, and after moaning about my aching very pregnant body, I keep getting the same advice from everyone: "Take it easy." Telling a soon to be new mother to take it easy when she has a house and other responsibilities is like telling a fish to come up and breathe air, it just goes against the laws of nature. And at my last OB appointment, the doctor really made me feel bad about not taking a childbirth class. She said real snobby like; "Well, too bad you couldnt find the effort to go to a childbirth class, that might have been helpful." And I am like, Well, tell that to the indians that squatted in the dirt and had babies! So, I am wondering what tomorrows doctor's appointment will hold. Last thursday, my cervix was still long and closed, which means, nowhere near labor, let alone delivery. Can I get some dialation, here?? I am just done. Take Sunday for example: I was walking up the cobblestone walkway to the house and BAM, I stepped funny and almost fell, well, in the scramble, I dropped my purse and everything was flung out of it, and the bag of candy I had scattered across the lawn. Instead of being an adult about the whole thing, I just bent over to pick things up, and the dam busted. Tears were pouring out of my eyes, and I was sobbing, and Jeremy was trying to pick things up and I was pushing him away tell him to go away, I could do it myself. I went in the house and got in the shower, and I cried there. After a little bit, Jeremy came in the shower and all I could do was cry on his chest, and tell him I was tired. And he knew it. And he kept telling me I needed to rest more and stop being so stubborn. But its not about stubborn. It doesnt have anything to do with that. I know I just need to hold on a little bit longer. There are still so many questions and concerns that need to be addressed, but I guess theres still time.

I have some things I need to do here at work, I am tying up loose ends, and I hope everyone in the office is awesome to Debbie, because shes an awesome woman, with a great personality and shes feeling a little down and nervous this week...Amber...keep an eye out for her...she really is a good person!

It's Monday...

Well, after I blogged on Friday, things just went from bad to worse. For starters, I had emailed a complaint to the post office about my mirror being crashed off because the mailbox in question is sticking out in the road. So, the supervisor left me a message at home and I called back, and of course she was gone for the day, so I had to talk to some other lady there. And I informed her that my replacement mirror was going to cost me $212 and she says to me that is between me and the customer, and I told her no ma'am, technically, YOU are responsible because its the job of your carrier to make sure that mail receptacles are where they are supposed to be, you have regulations for that. And this mail receptacle is obviously beyond the regulation. So, she takes down the EXACT location of the mail box the is in offense of my truck and hung up with me. Of course, I was still a little hurt and angry at Jeremy. I started talking to my co-worker about re-vamping some procedures in our office when I looked down and see my left foot is 3 times the size of my right foot. So, I show Debbie. She tells me to put my foot up on the desk immediately. After a few minutes of contemplation I decide to put a call in to my doctor, because I havent had any swelling this entire pregnancy. After a few minutes on hold, I am told to get my butt to Labor and Delivery. No questions asked, just go to Labor and Delivery. So, I call Jeremy and tell him, and of course, I have no idea what could be wrong to tell him, all I know, is go to Labor and Delivery. Karen drives me there, and I get there, and of course, I get the third degree by the wench at the front desk. Shes like Did you come through the ER? I said no, I came here as Dr. Curtis instructed me to do. HER: Oh, well, usually they want you to go through the ER unless you are in active labor. ME: Oh? Not me. I was told to get my ass here and thats what I did. The other woman gets me a temporary bracelet (Thank God I pre-registered!) and they walk me to Labor and Delivery Triage Room #8. I change into the gown, and refrain from peeing because I wasnt sure if they would need a urineanalysis. The bathroom was untouched, its important that you know this. So, I lay down in the skimpy gown, feeling really embarrassed that I am in there over a swollen foot. The nurse comes in and gets all my symptoms and things down, and then she hooks me up to the monitors by velcroing them to my belly. Well, Lucas' heart rate was at 192, then it would flucuate to 139 and it went on like this for a good 20 minutes before he settle down. She took my blood pressure and it was fine, perfect actually. And she checked my foot. Here comes the 20 questions: Did you fall? No. Did you twist your ankle? No. Did you step funny? No. Did you bang it on something? No. So, she says bizzare and leaves. She comes back a few minutes later with ice water and tells me to drink it. No problem. 20 minutes later, I really have to pee and Lucas is banging his head on the top monitor because it was a little tight, so it looked like I was having contractions. The people in the room next to us had a cellphone going off every 2 seconds, and it really pissed me off. You mean to tell me that that cellphone won't cause any interference with my monitors when the sign on the wall clearly says it will?? I was about to go crawl that woman's ass. So, I push the orange button and the nurse comes back and unhooks me, and Jeremy helps me to the bathroom. I get in there, and the room next to me with the cellphone law breaker left the bathroom door open on their side. So, I slammed that door as hard as I could. How rude! Then I look, and there is pee all over the toilet. All over the toilet. Try as hard as I might, I have never been able to pee all over the toilet seat. So, I start fussing LOUDLY about the pee on the seat. How rude, again. There is a certain class of people, and they shouldnt be allowed to make our experiences worse. Just so its on the record, I left the door locked on her side. Oops....
Anyways, I get out of the bathroom and there is a wheel chair waiting for me. They want to take me to ultrasound to make sure I dont have a bloodclot in my leg. Okay, now I am freaking...it turns out I dont have a blood clot, and they arent sure why my foot swelled, but the baby calmed down and they finally sent me home. April 21st is definitely my last day of work. So, I am on light duty at home, my feet up as much as possible throughout the day, and hope for the best.
Jeremy and I worked out our issues, I guess. There really isnt a lot of middle ground to compromise on, so, we just have to keep trying to work through it.
Until then...I am washing newborn clothes so that I am prepared for him when it really is time to go!

It's Friday, and I am not impressed....

Yes, its Friday, and I guess I am not in a very good mood. I hate it when Jeremy decides to bring up a relationship problem while I am at work, especially when I am 8 months pregnant, and easily able to cry at the drop of a hat. And its a sneaky way he does it too. He doesnt just come right out and say it, he makes jabs at me, and then I take offense and get mad...hes sneaky, I'll give him that...but sometimes, hes crookeder than a yellow-bellied snake making its way through a prickly pear patch. So, he ends up all pissed off at me, and I end up in tears at work, and then I look like an idiot.
Maybe I have relationship myopia. I have this idea that we are going to be the young couple that can go through the life change of having a baby and be closer and be stronger than we were before, but let me tell you, he could be just across the street right now, and it would more like a mile with how I feel. And I cant just go and turn it off. He wants things a certain way, and unfortunately, life doesnt allow it, and above all else, I will not compromise who I am to make him happy. No way. And I know he doesnt want that, but I feel so much pressure right now: Pressure to be a good worker, pressure to be a good wife, pressure to be a good daughter, a good friend, and at any given moment, a good mother. And all I want right this very second is to just drive away and be alone. Where there arent any expectations, no one wants more from me than I can give them. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. At this point, I want to effect my emancipation.

Bailey has been diagnosed with Pannus, a disease that cause him to reject his own corneas and start forming scar tissue over them. Without treatment, it will lead to blindness, but I think we caught it in enough time to stop the long lasting effects, but its something we will have to treat the rest of his life. So, that involves steroid drops in both eyes, 3 to 4 times a day. Yeah, this is not a german shepherd, this is a horse! It took three of us and two scooby snacks to get one drop in each eye.

Its 4 o'clock, and usually I am ready to go home, but today its not that way. I am not angry. I am not upset. I think I am just hurt. Because I try really hard. I try to be the best that I can be for him. But I am not doing good, it looks like....

And this too shall pass....

Never, never, ever, (foot stomp here for emphasis.) get the flu while 34 weeks pregnant. It SUCKS!!! But now that that is over, I feel much better...

I had my family baby shower on Sunday, and it was awesome. I got a lot of stuff I needed. And a lot of stuff that I didnt necessarily NEED but WANTED. So, it worked out great. Jeremy swears my family is rich because one of the gifts was a silver spoon for us to feed him with. All I can do is roll my eyes and laugh at him. So, my living room is full of baby stuff...a diaper genie, 2 refills for it, a pack and play, a diaper bag, a breast pump, a baby bath tub, the wall hanging for his nursery, and a bunch of other stuff that I cant remember. I still need a mattress for the crib though. I am trying to figure out how to get it, considering I owe federal and state taxes...guess what?? Your husband gets 4 raises in one year, and BOOM, you are in another tax bracket and owe. It doesnt hardly seem faid does it??

My truck mirror on the passenger side got bashed out Sunday morning on the way to the baby shower when this wench wouldnt share Willis Road, and I got shoved into a mail box that is sticking too far out in the road. Its ridiculous. Who is going to fix my mirror? The bitch that ran me off of the road?? No. The people who have their mail box in the middle of the road?? Hell no. I am screwed. What a crock. Enough venting though, huh?

Well, I am going to get back to work since its just piling up all around me....