Its been a little while since I last posted. And I think part of it has been because I have engaged myself in some deep soul searching.
My last post was informing everyone about Rayne. Well, that Tuesday, I had dropped Lucas off at the babysitters and headed into work. A proceeded to get pulled by a cop. I was doing 37 miles per hour, so I didnt understand why he was pulling me. The speed limit is 35. Apparently, I was wrong. The speed limit is actually 25 and it isnt marked. So, I plan on going to court on the 16th of this month and fighting it. I will let you know how that turns out. That afternoon, I took Samantha to the vet. I waited and waited and waited. And the vet came in, I told him how she had been attacked, and he opened her mouth to take a look. He had this look on his face. Like, he couldnt believe what he was seeing. He wanted me to look, but I couldnt. So, he showed Daddy. And he said he didnt think a dog could have done that. He took her to the back and Daddy told me it looked like a tumor in her mouth. Dr. Birdsall came back in and said that she had one of three types of cancer, and that all three were extemely malignant and deadly. And that it was a cancer of the blood vessels and that it had spread down her throat and was in her lungs. He said she couldnt hardly breathe and she was blue in some of her extremities. And I knew what he was asking me. And I just said, you want me to give you permission to put my baby to sleep? And he said that they couldnt do anything for her. So, I told him to do it. He left, and the nurse came in with the euthanasia record and told me to just sign it, she would fill it out. And I said no, she was mine, and I would see it through. So, I filled it out. And Dr. Birdsall brought her back in. I asked him not to do it in front me. I pet her and kissed her, and told that we loved her. And she looked like she was at peace. Like she knew I was helping her. I kissed her one last time, and he took her in the back. He brought back to me just a few minutes later, in this really nice blanket with a bow on it. And he hugged me and told me I did the right thing that she would have suffered. And he told me that if it was any consolation, the dog never left a mark on her. That she had survived that fight without injury. But when she fell trying to get away, the tumor ruptured. And thats why she couldnt close her mouth. And that it was for the best so that she didnt suffer. I had her 17 years. She was there for everything. My first boyfriend, my first broken heart. Her fur caught my tears as I worried about everything. She loved me no matter what. She adjusted to moving twice. She adapted to no longer being the only cat. She somewhat accepted Bjourne. So, I had to love her back and unselfishly let her go. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I never thought I would be in that place. It was almost someone elses life. I wish it were a lie. At least this way, I got to say goodbye. But its still hard. I can hear her purring in the dark, sometimes, I can even feel her, but daylight chases the ghost. I see her picture and I fall apart. I guess its those hints of her I am clinging to because I need them the most right now. And its the hardest thing. I wanted to chase after her, to change my mind. But I couldnt. I know, it will get easier. But its still so hard right now.
Lucas is doing good: except for the fact that he has fluid in his middle ear. Its not infected, but its causing him some pain. So, he likes to wake me up every 2 hours. I am so tired anymore. But hes growing like a weed, and he still has a beautiful smile, and hes worth every second of discomfort I may have. I love him, and I have no regrets. I couldnt imagine my life without him.
Jeremy is good. I am not sure we are. It seems like everytime I get handle on it, something happens. I know I have been down lately. But, I cant help it. Hes been off too. I just figure its a phase. And we'll hopefully get past it. I have hinted broadly that we need some us time. And I even helped him out on how to plan it. But apparently, it didnt penetrate his thick head. He still doesnt get it. I dont know. Part of me wants to say if he doesnt care then I dont care. But thats not the answer either. Thats what will end this. The I dont care factor. But I do care. I care a whole hell of a lot. But its hard to find the strength to fight a battle you dont feel like being in. I dont know. I'll just keep making him talk to me, and vice-versa, and we will hope for the best.
Until the next time I blog!
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