Last night I went and hung out with Carla...shes practically my sister. And we decided that every Wednesday would be our day to hang out. And she even offered to keep Lucas on Tuesdays, so all of my babysitting issues are worked out! We really had a fun time. You dont realize how much you miss someone until you see them again. She did make me feel better by telling me that I am all baby...I havent gained much weight anywhere other then my belly. So, that made me feel so much better...
When I got home, I went to get myself ready for a hot bath to soak my calf muscle. I got in the bathroom and ran the tub of water, and I look, and I have six cats in there with me, all wanting my attention. I swear, Jeremy teases that I am the queen of the kitty mafia. They arent happy until their leader is home. And I guess Bjourne is my right hand man...they all do tricks to get me to pet them, and they try to out-trick one another...its really entertaining!
Bjourne scared me when I was awake at 3 this morning. He had climbed off of the bed and sounded like he was getting ready to throw up, so I sit up and check on him, and I hear him run toward the back bedroom where my sister was. He never did get sick, but I was waiting for it. I got up this morning, washed my hair and was getting ready for work, when out of the corner of my eye, I see him trotting down the hall toward my bedroom with something in his mouth. I look and its my blue neck roll pillow that says angel on it that I had on the couch to support my lower back. The little devil had it in his mouth, set it down in my floor and laid his head on it, like, I am too damn good to have my head on this floor. Of course, I fussed at him, and he got his I am really sorry, sad face on and I had to give him kisses to make him feel better. He kept pushing my hand up with his nose while I was putting on my makeup. He has so much personality. And I think that is whats so great about him.
I am really tired today. I am tired in my body and I am tired in my mind. I think I am a little too overconfident in myself. I have this idea that I am going to come home with Lucas, and he is going to eat every 2 hours on a schedule, and then sleep, and then I will sleep while he sleeps, and everyone will be happy. I will be able to have a shower once a day, I will be able to fix dinner, I will be able to clean, everything I do now, except, I will have a baby on my breast! I am thinking maybe I am trying to be a little too June Cleaver...I think I am setting myself up for failure. But I can't see myself as being this frumpy, desparate mother who is sitting at her computer, blogging and crying, wishing like hell that I could just strap him in the bouncer seat and let him cry while I run far away and cry myself. Jeremy is such a happy person that I hope Lucas is just a happy baby...but I have to stop thinking that I am the epitome of greatness and I am going to be able to just handle this with the strength and fortitude that I have handled every other life changing event with. I am a woman. I am strong. I am confident. So, why do I feel this insane wave of panic wash over me when I think about being home with a newborn without their help. When the nurses load us up in the car and send Jeremy and I on our way, do they realize that they are dooming this child?? They could be sending this child into a complete mess of things. Just because I am his mama does not mean I am qualified. Maybe a nurse should come and make sure I am doing everything right. What if his umbilical cord leftover falls off and I dont realize it, and Jinx eats it because he eats EVERYTHING?! How devestated will Lucas be when he finds out I dont have that dried up disgusting nub in my hopechest? What happens when I feel the need to sit down and indulge in a crying jag of my own?? Now I dread the day my water breaks (although, I pray it happens at work, all over the carpet just to be common. Dont worry Amber, I will save some for your office!) I guess I am just having pre-delivery jitters...but unlike a wedding, I cant call off this union can I?
1 comment:
My water didn't break til I was at the hospital. Labor will be fine. Just go into this KNOWING that it will hurt like hell, but when it's all said and done, you'll be lying down with Lucas in your arms. Most Doctor's will not let patients go over 24 hours of labor because of the increased risk of infection. So, work case scenerio, 1 day of pain. It's worth it, trust me! Don't be afraid to ask questions! That's my advice.
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