Yes, its Friday, and I guess I am not in a very good mood. I hate it when Jeremy decides to bring up a relationship problem while I am at work, especially when I am 8 months pregnant, and easily able to cry at the drop of a hat. And its a sneaky way he does it too. He doesnt just come right out and say it, he makes jabs at me, and then I take offense and get mad...hes sneaky, I'll give him that...but sometimes, hes crookeder than a yellow-bellied snake making its way through a prickly pear patch. So, he ends up all pissed off at me, and I end up in tears at work, and then I look like an idiot.
Maybe I have relationship myopia. I have this idea that we are going to be the young couple that can go through the life change of having a baby and be closer and be stronger than we were before, but let me tell you, he could be just across the street right now, and it would more like a mile with how I feel. And I cant just go and turn it off. He wants things a certain way, and unfortunately, life doesnt allow it, and above all else, I will not compromise who I am to make him happy. No way. And I know he doesnt want that, but I feel so much pressure right now: Pressure to be a good worker, pressure to be a good wife, pressure to be a good daughter, a good friend, and at any given moment, a good mother. And all I want right this very second is to just drive away and be alone. Where there arent any expectations, no one wants more from me than I can give them. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. At this point, I want to effect my emancipation.
Bailey has been diagnosed with Pannus, a disease that cause him to reject his own corneas and start forming scar tissue over them. Without treatment, it will lead to blindness, but I think we caught it in enough time to stop the long lasting effects, but its something we will have to treat the rest of his life. So, that involves steroid drops in both eyes, 3 to 4 times a day. Yeah, this is not a german shepherd, this is a horse! It took three of us and two scooby snacks to get one drop in each eye.
Its 4 o'clock, and usually I am ready to go home, but today its not that way. I am not angry. I am not upset. I think I am just hurt. Because I try really hard. I try to be the best that I can be for him. But I am not doing good, it looks like....
2 comments:
Sometimes men can be harsh. It could be that he's not communicating the issue to you correctly. Darroll is famous for this. I'm sure you do your best, but remember, he will NEVER know what it's like to be in your shoes. The courage and power that it takes to be a woman I believe is immeasurable!
Have a good weekend sweetie!
I'm sorry you felt down on Friday. And you are not a bad person for fealing the way you do. We all feal like that at some time or another. It just feals like you have tooooo much on your sholders and it is all weighing you down. Is there anything that you like to do by yourself? Not even with a friend. It sounds like you need to just be by yourself for a few hours. Even if it is in the back room and you read a book. Tell Jeremy that for no reason should he come back there. If he cuts his hands off while cooking tell him he better find a way to dial 911. Because he better not bother you. But for real, maybe you can watch tv, scrapbook, read a book, decorate the baby's room, whatever your heart desires.
I'm sorry you feal down. I hope you feal better.
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